Please remember me
by santtu-sanna
Summary: AU all human! Rose Tyler wakes up in a hospital to a life that isn't her own. What has happened to her? Soon she hears that she is missing the last three years of her life and the handsome man beside her bed is supposed to be her boyfriend even though she's sure she's currently engaged to a completely different guy. How can she start living a life she doesn't remember?
1. Darkness everywhere

My very first fanfiction ever! I know it's cliche and kinda corny, but hey that's okay sometimes!

 **Chapter 1: Darkness everywhere**

Rose Tyler was so tired. But at the same time she felt like she'd been sleeping for days and couldn't do anymore. What was up with that? And why was it so dark? She heard noises from around her, but why was everyone around here hiding in darkness? -Wait are my eyes even open, she wondered and tried to open them. Nope wasn't going to happen, her eyelids where like led. Well if she couldn't open her eyes it would be all the same to just keep sleeping right?

Rose had no idea how long it had been since she had last seen any light. She wasn't exactly scared of the darkness in fact it felt quite comfortable. But after a while she felt like she should be somewhere else. Even though she didn't know who, she knew someone was waiting for her. If she could just open her eyes...

And then the next day (or was it right next second? Next week?) she decided. It was time to see again. And she pushed, putting every single clear thought she had into one thing: trying to open her eyes. And suddenly everything was white.

World was too bright, she closed her eyes almost immediately. Wait, no, she wasn't going back into the darkness. Rose started blinking. There were two shapes around her. Third one appeared above her head waving an annoyingly bright light in front of her eyes. Then all the sounds hit her at once.

"Rose! Rose sweetheart you're awake! Everything is going to be okay I'm right here!"  
"Mrs. Tyler I'm going to have to ask you and your husband take a step back so I can check rose's responses."  
"Don't you try to make me move Martha Jones! My daughter is awake, I'm never leaving her side again!"  
"Jackie I think we have to give doctor Jones a little room."  
"Fine I'll move! Rose hang in there don't you dare close your eyes! Pete go call John he went home to change, he should get here right away."

One of the shapes left. Rose's head was still all over the place but she could never in a million years not recognize her mother's shrieking voice. She would have smiled but curving her lips would have been too much of a work. Besides something was annoyingly in her mouth.

Little by little rose started to realize the world around her. She was in a hospital that she saw right away. People around her, well obviously there was mum and dad and the beautiful dark-skinned woman had to be a doctor. She could hear some sort of machines around her peeping and sounds of other people in the hallway. It felt good to hear sounds it had been so quiet for... how long?

Rose started to panic a bit. Why was she in a hospital? What had happened to her? Why was that doctor still pointing her with that little flashlight thingy? Could someone just explain what was going on?

The doctor (Martha Jones was it?) apparently saw the panic in her eyes since she put the light away and started to talk in a calming voice. "Rose can you hear me? I'm doctor Martha Jones. You're in a hospital. There was an accident and you've been in a coma but you're obviously a real fighter. The worst part is over", Doctor Jones said smiling. Rose could see her mother behind the doctor smiling and crying silently. "There's a breathing tube in your mouth, I'm going to take that out now and give you a breathing mask to help you breathe. It is a lot more comfortable than the tube." Rose nodded. God when did her head get so heavy?

Doctor Jones started to take the tube out. It was an unpleasant experiment. Rose gaged more than once and it felt like it took forever before the tube was out. Rose started coughing but before she realized there was a mask on her face. And it felt good to breathe.

Doctor Jones smiled. "That's better. Now don't try to speak too much yet, you really should rest."

Rose ignored what doctor Jones had just said and reached for the mask on her face even though it was exhausting and frankly quite painful to move. But she needed to know at least something.

"Doctor how long?" She croaked once she had lifted the mask. Her throat felt like sandpaper.

Doctor Jones had a worried expression on her face when she answered. "You've been in a coma for three weeks. To be honest it's quite a miracle you managed to wake up on your own." Three weeks! What had happened to her! She was about to reach for the mask again when the doctor continued. "But please Rose you really need to rest now. You'll get to know everything later, after some sleep. I have to go check on other patients now but I'm leaving you in good hands" she smiled towards tear-eyed Jackie. "And please call me Martha."

Rose turned her head just little bit so she could see her mother who had immediately returned right next to her bed. Jackie was slowly running her hand up and down rose's arm like she had done when rose was a child and had had a nightmare. Jackie could see million questions in her daughter's eyes but unlike most people seemed to think, she actually was perfectly able to listen to other people's advice, and Martha had said that it was important for Rose to rest.

"Sweetheart you need to rest now. Your dad is just outside. We will explain everything later when you're feeling a little better." Rose knew she couldn't argue with her mum even if she had had the strength to do so. She was starting to doze off when she heard her mum continue. "Your dad is calling John I'm sure that he'll rush here right away. You're gonna see him when..." And Rose was a sleep.

Next time she woke up she felt a lot better. Well, not a lot better but not as bad she had felt before. When she opened her eyes she saw her mum still sitting next to her although now she was sleeping using Rose's bed to rest her head. Rose could see her dad standing in the corner whispering to someone who was back to Rose so she couldn't tell who he was. Another doctor probably. She took off the breathing mask and for the first time in weeks she breathed completely on her own. Both men turned to her and rushed to her bedside. The stranger looked like he hadn't slept in weeks although Rose's parents didn't look much better.

"Dad", Rose smiled still feeling tired. Her voice was quite awful but she couldn't stay quiet any longer.  
"Hello honey", her dad smiled back at her. Jackie woke up too and held her hand with motherly tenderness and Rose felt content. Except someone was still missing. Where was her fiancé? Surely he would be somewhere around? And who was that weird man? Even though he looked tired he was still rather handsome with great hair and amazingly brown eyes. She had thought that he would be a doctor but he didn't wear a doctor's coat and he looked at her in a way that was way too intimate for a doctor to look at a patient. It made rose feel a bit uncomfortable.

Rose turned her head to her mum. "Mum, where's Christopher?" and then she turned to the strange man. "And sorry who are you?"

Her parents gasped but the strange man looked like someone had just pulled his heart out of his chest.

"Rose, love, you know who I am, right?" He said reaching for her cheek to cup it with his hand. It wasn't really even meant as a question. Rose could see desperation in his face, this stranger needed for her to know who he was. Unfortunately she didn't. She shook her head and she could see something breaking in his eyes. He pulled his shaking hand back which Rose was grateful for, it had felt a bit too familiar.

"Sweetheart of course you know who he is" her mum said. "It's John, you know John right?"

Rose was getting annoyed. She was still exhausted and she felt like everyone knew something she didn't.

"No I don't know him and I don't know why I should! But mum please tell me where Christopher is?" Rose just wanted to see the wide smile of her fiancé, wanted to see those ice blue eyes and his adorable big ears and she couldn't understand why her mum hadn't called him to come to the hospital the moment Rose had woken up the first time. She had rather had her dad call this… John.

It was her dad who spoke next: "Honey this might sound like a silly thing to ask, but could you tell us how old you are."

Rose rolled her eyes. What was wrong with everyone? "I'm twenty-one years old. And that's old enough to realize when people are hiding something from you, so please just tell me what's going on?"

Pete and Jackie looked at each other in terror, but John took Rose's hand. "Rose dear, you're twenty-four years old. You and... Christopher broke up almost three years ago. You and I have been together for over a year now", he said softly while running his other hand through her hair. "And I love you so much, please try to remember", he added with sad eyes.

Rose couldn't breathe.


	2. Worst moments

So I think i should tell you right away that I know nothing of brain damages or medical treatments, just kinda going with what works :)

 **Chapter two: Worst moments**

John Smith had thought that the worst moment of his life had been seeing Rose been hit by a car three weeks ago. It had been one of the first chilly days of September, they had been outside the coffee shop she worked in and he had just encouraged her to go and see her old friend Mickey. She hadn't wanted to go, she had felt tired after working all day and she had just wanted to go with John to his apartment, perhaps watch a movie or just crawl next to him and sleep head leaning against his shoulder as she had a habit of doing. But John had told her to go, he knew she would have eventually felt bad about not seeing him since Mickey didn't visit London that often. It pained John to remember how he had hugged her, kissed her head and told her to go, Mickey was practically part of her family after all. And she had flashed him that tongue-touched smile and gone over the crossroad and... and...

John had felt the crash more than seen it. His heart had stopped and he couldn't breathe. Seeing Rose fly twenty feet and hit the asphalt had felt like he'd been hit too. The worst moment of his life. And the weeks following that night had been so very slow. Being a doctor himself he had known that every hour Rose didn't wake up was an hour away from any hope she ever would. But still he had hoped, because the other option would've been too horrible to even think about.

Then this night had come. John had hardly left Rose's bedside, but every once in a while Jackie had forced him to go home to have a shower and a change of clothes, you know, so he wouldn't appear like a homeless stalker waiting for a girl to wake up. This time he had just stepped out of the shower and started to dry his hair when Pete had called. John had almost ran out of his apartment completely naked. He had been ecstatic, such an indescribable feeling of happiness rushing over him. Fortunately when he had reached the door he had realized that he was wearing nothing but his birthday suit. Although he knew that Rose would've loved to hear a story of him scaring his elderly neighbors half to death with his indecency, John thought it might be better to put on his striped suit. As he was leaving his apartment he had felt like nothing could put him down.

Until right now, this very moment. Having seen Rose look at him without any recognition had felt like every single one of his organs had been replaced by ice water. It was just so wrong. When he had touched her she had looked at him like a stranger, feeling visibly uncomfortable with his touch... God that had hurt more than any physical pain he had ever endured.

After John had told her that she was missing three years she had started to scream, calling him a liar and accusing her parents for being cruel. She had cried and screamed for Christopher, trying to leave her room until Martha had run in with some tranquilizers so she could sleep it off. But John knew this wasn't exactly a textbook case of amnesia and she couldn't just 'sleep it off'. It was pretty regular that a patient who had endured a significant trauma didn't remember the exact moment of banging their head. A few times he had ran into a case where patient had lost a day or two. The biggest gap John had heard of in the doctors' conference room had been three weeks. But three years? John had never heard of a such a thing unless you count soap operas where people seemed to suffer from amnesia like the flu.

He had left the room right after Rose had fallen back to sleep. How could he watch when the woman he loved kept muttering her ex's name in her sleep? He just needed to walk around, hands tightly in his coat pockets to make sure he wouldn't hit anything. It hurt to remember how much Rose loved that long trench coat of his. Once they'd been on a picnic during their trip to New York, and he had forgotten the blanket so they had just used his coat instead. She had said that it was just right for the two of them. And he agreed.

While walking on the hallways John hadn't really been paying attention to where he was headed. He knew that Rose wouldn't wake up during that evening so he had just kept walking. He found himself outside of the hospital shop. For some reason he had always liked those kinds of shops in hospitals. Not because he ever bought anything from them. They were just so... routine. They just made everything seem a little bit more normal in an often quite surreal situation. The shop wasn't open anymore since it was almost midnight, so he sat on the sofa outside of it and buried his face in his hands.

Why was this happening? Everything had been going so good! He had almost convinced Rose to move into his apartment officially (as if she didn't already spend almost every night there anyway) and, although he hadn't told it to anyone, he had even kind of been looking for a ring. You know, just so he would be ready when the right moment presented itself.

He felt someone sitting next to him and putting their hand on his shoulder. He looked up by running his hands down, stretching his face.

"Hello Martha", he said not feeling like smiling to his new colleague.

"Hey John", she said smiling sadly. "I really don't know what to say. But you never know, perhaps she'll remember tomorrow or the day after that or... or... Well my point is that you need to give her time to get herself back together."

John looked at Martha without any facial expression. They were both rather excellent doctors so they both knew that with severe brain damage it was impossible to know if Rose would ever remember the missing years. At least it was very unlikely she would remember anything during the following days. Brain was really an annoyingly fragile organ for something so important. John felt exhausted just thinking how he had had to explain Rose's injury to her parents after the crash. Especially Jackie could not understand why Rose couldn't just wake up. After that John had decided that he couldn't be Rose's boyfriend and her doctor at the same time. Jackie had resisted John making room for Martha, but the young doctor had charmed Jackie Tyler quite fast.

"Yeah I suppose giving her time is all I can do. It just feels so unreal. This sort of thing is not supposed to happen in real life, you know?"

"I get it, but the fact is that it did happen. Now all you can do is be patient. If she won't remember the last three years she will be confused and scared and well, just lost."

John rubbed his face. This wasn't going to be easy, but it was Rose. He had to bring her back to him. Really there weren't any other options he could accept. Without saying anything he left Martha on the sofa and headed back to Rose's room.

Jackie and Pete were talking with each other outside Rose's room. Well, talking might be a bit too moderate term. Jackie was yelling and Pete's face was red with anger. Neither one of them noticed John approaching.

"She doesn't remember him! We can't just force him on her!" Jackie shrieked. "She'll only get more upset and that will not help her get better. She's my daughter and I'm going to say how this is going to go. John has to step back a bit."

"You always keep forgetting that she is just as much my daughter as she is yours!" Pete answered. "Seriously Jackie, half the time you're acting like I'm dead or something! We both know that being with John has made her happy and I say that he's good for her!"

"Sure he is, but she doesn't know that! Right now she needs to be surrounded by people she knows and loves and at the moment John isn't either", Jackie said calming down a bit. Then she saw John standing awkwardly few feet away. She blushed.

"Oh John I'm so sorry, I really am, but I think it's best if you just…" Jackie was clearly trying to find a not too rude way of saying 'keep out'. "Well I think it's best if you didn't show yourself to her right away when she wakes up. We – me and Pete that is – should first explain everything to her. You know, just give her sort of a soft landing."

"And I say that's just plain stupid, she needs to know what's happening in her life and well, you are a really big part of that", Pete said with clear compassion for John in his eyes.

John really appreciated what he was doing. He and Pete had never really been on the same page when it came to John and Rose's relationship. Although Pete had never said it out loud, John knew he had thought that one of the most brilliant doctors in the UK could never be interested in a regular coffee shop worker without some hidden agenda. Pete had grown up with parents who believed firmly in social classes, and even though John had tried to prove over and over again that he just happened to love his daughter, Pete had never been able to buy it 100 percent. But now, seeing how Pete was standing up for him against his wife, John could see that Pete had finally approved him. Too bad Jackie was right.

"Thanks Pete but I think Jackie's actually right", John while rubbing his neck. Jackie looked amazed and quite pleased with herself, people were usually very reluctant to admit that she was right about anything.

"Yes, I said it, get over yourself", John continued. "I'm not going anywhere but I agree that we shouldn't overwhelm Rose. And seeing someone claiming to be your boyfriend even though you don't even recognize him… Well I'd say that's a definition of overwhelming. I'll be out here waiting for her to be ready to talk to me on her own terms."

Jackie and Pete stared at him. He knew it was very uncharacteristic of him not to insist on being in the room when Rose next woke up. And it was killing him not to be able to explain himself to Rose immediately. Hell, he wanted to run into her room right now, wake her up and just make her remember him. But he knew she needed time and, like Jackie had said, familiar faces. John wasn't one, so her parents were the safest bet.

"Alright, I think we'll just go inside then. You know, waiting for Rose to wake up", Jackie said hesitantly. "John you should go home now. Pete and I will stay with her and when she wakes up we'll have a lot to talk about, the three of us. So you have some time to rest before you'll be able to talk to her anyway and-"

John cut her speech with his hand. "I'm not going anywhere. There are perfectly good seats right here, I'll just wait here till she's ready to talk to me and perhaps I can get a little sleep as well, although honestly I really doubt it" he said and sat down to the nearest armchair opposite to the door of Rose's room.

Pete and Jackie glanced at each other but apparently decided not to try changing John's mind. Pete opened the door to his wife and they left John alone in the hallway, which was actually pretty good since John wasn't sure how long he could hold himself together. It had been too hard day…

John had though he could never sleep in his current state of mind, but when he heard his cousin's loud voice at the end of the hallway, he knew he had dozed off at some point. Donna could only visit the hospital during her early lunchbreak, which meant that the clock was around eleven. John looked up and saw Donna approaching him.

"Hello John, what are you doing outside Rose's room?" she asked and clearly he looked like rubbish since she continued: "Wait are you having a nervous breakdown? Please don't have a nervous breakdown! We'll never know, she might wake up any moment."

"Donna, Rose-", but Donna cut his speech.

"And then you'll go on adventuring together, or whatever, and you'll be very happy!"

"Donna, she's-"

"You know gramps is dying to have kids in the family, you and Rose will have the most beautiful children and-"

"Oh Donna just shut up for a second! She's awake! She woke up last night!" John almost yelled. Donna's face froze. And before he could stop her, she rushed to the door and yanked it open. "Wait, no don't!" John said but it was too late. Donna was already in the room. John hurried after her.

"Oh my god it's true!" Donna screamed when she saw Rose who was laying on the bed looking shocked at the woman who had just rushed into her room. "I can't believe it! And you!" she said turning towards John. "Why didn't you call me right away?" and John felt his cousin's hand slapping in his head.

Jackie was standing beside her daughter clearly worried that this kind of show might upset her. "John! I thought we agreed, no new people till she's ready!"

"Well it's not like I could've done anything to stop her!" John said to Jackie, but his eyes had their own will and wandered to Rose. She looked so much better than yesterday, she had more colour on her cheeks and her eyes were sharp.

"Mum it's okay", she said calmly to Jackie and turned her head towards Donna and checked her red hair and even managed to smile a little. "So I suppose you're Donna, right? My boss? It's nice to meet you, unfortunately I seem to suffer from a bit of a memory gap."


	3. Where did we come from?

So I really struggled with this chapter. I wanted to give you a glimpse of the past but also move on with the story. I had a completely different thing ready but when I reread it and even though I liked it, I decided it didn't really fit in to the story so I wrote this one instead. It was quite quick writing so there might be some grammar mistakes! Thanks for reading :)

 **Chapter three: Where did we come from?**

Rose had woken up around eight am that morning and at first she hadn't remembered why she was feeling so anxious and stressed. Then she saw her mum and dad sitting beside her bed and remembered where she was and what had been told to her yesterday. Rose closed her eyes again and groaned loudly. Although physically she was actually feeling a lot better than yesterday, her head was still all over the place. So she had been in an accident. As hard as she tried, she could not remember what had happened. Or anything of the last three years.

How was that even possible? Three years! For a moment she thought that all of this memory loss thing was some crazy prank put together by Mickey, but this was way too cruel and large to be his planning. How could she not remember her and Chris breaking up? Or that John fellow who apparently was her new boyfriend? Or could she even say 'new' if they'd actually been together for over a year. Oh God everything was so confusing. A familiar feeling of panic started to make its way into Rose's head. But this time she wouldn't go all lunatic screaming and crying like she had yesterday. Okay she might do a bit of crying at some point. But no screaming. It was time to get some sense into things. She opened her eyes again.

"Okay mum, let's start easy. Do I still work at the store?" Rose could see some relief on her parents' faces, but it quickly changed into worrying. It had to be hard to explain everything that had happened during last three years. But to be fair, it wasn't exactly easy to hear all the things she'd been doing when she couldn't remember any of it. Rose felt like Jackie and Pete were talking about some stranger's life, not hers.

Every once and a while Rose had to stop her mum and dad speaking so she could fully understand what they'd been saying.

"So… I work at a coffee shop owned by a bold ginger called Donna. I still have the same apartment but my cat died and I haven't gotten another one. I'm getting a degree in social work at the university. Tony is already four. Me and… me and Christopher broke up almost three years ago. I've been with that John guy for over a year."

Simple sentences, but still every one of them was harder than the last. How could she even start to understand her current life? In her mind she was still working at the store, her beautiful cat was very much alive, she hadn't even thought about studying, Tony had just started walking and she was engaged to Christopher!

"Okay let's start with the whole university thing. How did I manage to get in? A degree in social work sounds amazing, but I've never been much of a studier." Rose had never thought herself to be stupid, but what she had was more of a common sense than book smartness. "Or has that changed too? Does the twenty-four-year-old Rose Tyler read a book per day or something?" It really didn't feel impossible at that point.

Her parents glanced at each other. It was Pete who spoke. "Well no, to be honest it was John who helped you. He studied some basic social work books like it was nothing after you told him that you wanted to get a degree. And then you studied together for the entrance test. Wouldn't say it to his face, but that man is actually quite brilliant."

Okay, clearly it was time for the big questions now. Rose sighed and prepared herself.

"All right then. So how did I meet John?"

 **EIGHTEEN MONTHS AGO**

Rose had only been working in Donna Noble's coffee shop -the Tardis it was called- for a week when she broke the cash register. She was alone in the shop during closing time when she accidentally dropped her cup of tea right on top of the machine and now it refused to open up.

"Oh crap crap crap!" Rose muttered as she tried to force the machine to open. Why was this happening right on her first week? Cash registers weren't cheap and she could not afford to buy Donna a new one. She was already falling behind with her rent and even though she had the nicest landlady, Rose couldn't keep her waiting forever. She really really really needed to keep this job if she didn't want to move back home with mum and dad and Tony. "Oh come on open up! It was just a little cup of tea! Be a team player now, won't you?"

"Well, cash registers are usually way too stubborn to play nice with others", someone said right opposite Rose and she almost jumped out of her skin. She had not heard the Tardis door open but on the other side of the counter was standing a tall man wearing a blue suit. "Let me see it", he said and jumped over the counter before Rose could say a thing.

"Hey you can't just jump behind here!" Rose said in astonishment as the man took his glasses out of his chest pocket and started to turn the cash register around.

"Sure I can, the counter's not that high. My name is John Smith by the way", the man said without even looking at her. This had to be the most arrogant thief in the world. He was already screwing some bolts out of the register with a screwdriver he had just taken out of his other chest pocket. For real, who even carried a screwdriver in their pocket?

"Seriously mate, if you don't leave right now, I will call the police!" Rose said and started to reach for her phone on the counter.

The man lifted his gaze and looked genuinely confused. "For what? Helping you? Do you think you can get this open? You know, Donna's going to be really mad if she has to buy another one of these, this one is only three months old."

"Wait, you know Donna?" How did this crazy person know her boss? Rose held the phone in her hand but didn't make the call.

The man returned to the register. "Sure I do. We are cousins", he said. "I was actually coming to see her, we were supposed to go eat late dinner, but I must've mixed up the days or something. Or perhaps she forgot. Yeah let's go with that one, sounds better."

"Okay. How do I know you're telling the truth and that you're not just a thief who happens to know the owner's name?" Rose asked while John kept his eyes and fingers on the cash register.

"Well there's a picture of me, Donna and gramps on the bookshelf, if that's evidence enough", John said and gestured towards the only bookshelf in the coffee shop. Donna liked to keep some books and magazines there for the customers to read and there was indeed a few pictures on one of the shelves. Rose walked towards the bookshelf slowly never taking her eyes off the man. She reached for the picture and indeed there was Donna and Wilf (Rose had met Donna's grandfather only once during the week but had liked him instantly) and the man who was currently fighting with the cash register.

"Okay, you know Donna", Rose said and relaxed a bit. "So are you an engineer or something?"

John laughed. "Nope, just rather brilliant", he said and at that exact moment the register opened.

"No way! Thank you thank you thank you!" Rose laughed and before she could stop herself she was already behind the counter hugging John. "Oh, sorry", she said and let him go. "But just… Thank you! I really thought I was screwed with that one! You know, if you won't tell Donna about this, I will make you anything you want for free", she said smiling mischievously.

John grinned and sat at one of the tables. "Alrighty then! A cheese sandwich and a cup of tea would be brilliant, thank you!"

Rose was always happy when customers wanted tea. She knew she made great tea, almost best in all of London, only second to her mother. Even though John wasn't exactly a paying customer Rose still wanted to impress him, after all he was her boss's cousin. And it didn't exactly hurt that he happened to be weirdly sexy, in a geeky, skinny way. Not that Rose was looking for a romance or anything. Even though it had already been a little over a year since she and Christopher had broken up, she really wasn't ready to go there again. But hey it couldn't hurt to just look, right?

As Rose came with the tray she could see that John had pulled the chair next to him so Rose could sit there. Rose hesitated, she was supposed to be working after all. Perhaps this was all a test set up by Donna. Would Rose be distracted from working, if a tall handsome stranger happened to ask her to sit with him? It actually really sounded like something Donna could do.

John could apparently see Rose's hesitation since he rolled his eyes and said: "Come on, sit with me. I hate to eat alone and you're closing anyway so there won't be any customers to serve", Rose was still about to decline and go behind the counter to start cleaning up. "I won't tell Donna anything about the cash register if you just sit with me for ten minutes."

"You know you can't just keep blackmailing me with that, I already bribed you with tea and sandwich!" Rose said as she sat down crossing her arms.

"We'll see", John said with a grin. "So, tell me your name."

"Oh right! It's Rose. Rose Tyler."

"Rose Tyler", John repeated and Rose couldn't help but to smile. She liked the way her name sounded rolling down John's tongue. "That's a good name."

And they sat together a lot longer than ten minutes. After that night John started to pop up at the Tardis several times a week and even though Rose convinced herself that she didn't want a relationship with John (or anyone for that matter), she couldn't help the butterflies that started to fly around her stomach every time she saw him.

Too bad she couldn't remember any of that.

 **CURRENT MOMENT**

Rose had deduced right away that this woman, who had practically knocked down the door, had to be her boss, Donna Noble. Jackie had described her quite perfectly: Donna Noble was a woman who demanded attention. She had a temper but she was also caring and loving towards those who deserved it. But mainly Rose recognized her from her red hair and loud voice. It was weird, but Rose also felt right away that she could trust this woman with anything.

"What do you mean a memory gap? Somebody better start explaining what's going on in here, or I swear-" John grabbed Donna's arm and cut her speech.

"You know what? Come outside I'll explain everything. Let's just… We need to let Rose rest", Rose could see in his eyes that John most definitely did not want to leave the room. Rose let out a silent sigh. She still felt uncomfortable by the intense way John looked at her but she knew she had to talk to him eventually. And she felt like she owned at least something to this man who had been by her bedside for three weeks and who –apparently- loved her very much.

"No it's okay I'm not going to rest anymore!" Rose said a bit louder than she had intended. "I mean… Mum and dad could you take Donna to the cafe or something? I think me and John should talk alone", she said while looking at John. "If that's okay with you?"

John looked at her first with an astounded expression on his face which then turned into a wide grin. "Yeah! Of course, sounds brilliant!" he said enthusiastically. And immediately Rose felt bad that she couldn't get as excited.

"Are you sure sweetheart?" Jackie asked while glancing at Pete. Rose nodded so Jackie took Donna's hand and they left the room together with Pete. Immediately when everyone had left, John sat on the chair right next to Rose's bed.

"So…" Rose started to talk but realized she had no idea where to start. Should she thank him for staying by her side while she was unconscious? Apologize for the fact that she couldn't remember him? She thought it would be best to start with something more neutral. "So that was Donna right? Your cousin?"

Rose could see on his face that John really didn't want to talk about Donna, but he went with it. "Yep", he answered popping the p with his mouth. "So your parents told you about her? And about the Tardis?"

"Is that the name of the coffee shop? Great sounding name, weird but great. Does it mean anything?" Rose asked still not wanting to talk about the elephant in the room.

"Not really, just a word we made up when we were kids", John answered and moved closer to Rose staring in her eyes. "You and I met there", he added softly, clearly trying to trigger some part of Rose's memory.

"Yeah I know", and instantly Rose saw a smile appearing on his face. "Mum told me", she added quickly not wanting to give John any false hope that she remembered that on her own.

John's smile fade away and he jumped to his feet and started to walk around the room. "Come on Rose how can you not remember? You had dropped tea on the cash register and I fixed it. You thought I was a thief until you saw a photo of me and Donna together and we sat together for almost an hour before you realized you should've closed the shop ages ago! After that I came to the Tardis almost every day just to see you, how can you not remember that?" Rose could hear the desperation in his voice, but it didn't help her to remember anything.

"I'm sorry but I just don't know you! None of that means anything to me, I just can't remember! I'm really sorry but I just can't", Rose said and actually meant the apology. She wasn't stupid, obviously John cared for her a lot and she felt bad hurting him like this. But she couldn't help the fact that John felt like a complete stranger and when a complete stranger looked at her the way he did and talked the way he did… Well she couldn't help but to feel a bit uncomfortable.

John took her hand with both of his "Please Rose you have to remember… You just have to", he murmured against her hand and pressed a soft kiss on it. But Rose automatically flinched the moment John kissed her hand and he looked like someone had just stabbed him in the heart.

"I'm sorry, I really am", she said as she pulled her hand back. "I think… I think I'll just rest now, okay?" she said and John nodded with dark expression on his face. He was about to sit down next to her, but Rose really wanted to be left alone. "I think you should go home. You know, to get some rest as well? We can talk more later. And please if you see my parents could you tell them that I want to be alone for the rest of the day? I just have a lot to think about, you know?"

John nodded again, not saying a thing but his face was pale as a ghost. He was leaving the room but at the door he stopped and turned around towards Rose. "I know that you don't remember me, and I get it that this must feel distressing having a strange man by your side", he said and Rose could hear an odd tone in his voice. Was that anger? Or just frustration? "But I need you to understand that I'm not going anywhere." He didn't wait for Rose to answer before he left the room.

Rose lied on her bed a good ten minutes before she knew what she had to do. It was something she had wanted to do ever since the first time she opened her eyes. Thankfully Jackie had forgotten her phone on Rose's nightstand. She grabbed it and started to dial a number she knew by heart.

"Hello", a familiar voice answered and Rose felt warmth in her heart.

"Christopher? It's Rose. I really need to talk to you."


	4. Catching up with the past

Hello, it's me again! So my computer broke down, and took all I had written with it... So I had to start everything almost from the scratch. I wrote this chapter on my phone and that wasn't fun! I have every intention to finish this story so no worries. Sometimes I might add a few chapters in one week and sometimes it'll take me longer, but they're coming :D Thank you so much for reading and special thanks to those who reviewd and favorited 3

 **Catching up with the past**

It's Rose. I need to talk to you"

That's what she had said. Christopher didn't even try to understand what was going on. Rose had been in an accident and he hadn't even known about it. And the whole memory loss thing sounded like a cheap soap opera. But Rose needed to talk to him, needed _him_ and that was all he needed to convince himself that going to the hospital where her current boyfriend worked was a good idea.

As Christopher reached the hospital he started to wonder if this was such a good idea after all. It had been almost three years since he had broken up with Rose. It had been one of the hardest things he ever did and it wouldn't be easy to go through all of that again. But then again perhaps it was a good way to finally get a proper closer. Or then again, perhaps it was even a good way to start something again... No, he couldn't go there that would be way too selfish of him. He wasn't about to take advantage of the situation, it wouldn't be right. That's what he kept repeating to himself as he opened the door to Rose's room.

Then he saw Rose sitting on her bed and he saw her face lighting up as she saw him. It had indeed been almost three years since Rose Tyler had smiled that way to him. Since he was a little older (that _little_ was something else he often kept repeating to himself) than Rose, Christopher had obviously been in relationships before Rose and he had had a few light flings after her, but Rose had always been special. Christopher hadn't realized how much he had missed her smile, her eyes and hair, her warmth, just _all_ of her. At the moment he saw her he forgot his intentions of being a bigger person. All he could think was having her by his side. Oh, who cared about doing the right thing anyway?

"Hey you", Rose said still smiling.

"Hello Rose", he answered. And a silence fell between them. Christopher didn't know what he was supposed to say. He couldn't exactly ask how she had been, since she wouldn't even remember the answer. "I'm sorry I haven't been to see you before. I didn't know about the accident I'm so sorry", that's all he could think to say. And he truly meant it.

"Oh shut up and get over here", Rose said and spread her arms. Christopher didn't need any other encouragement, he rushed to her side and bowed down to hug her. Had she been any better, he would have spinned her around the room.

As he let go of her and sat down he saw how her smile faded away. Suddenly she looked very confused and anxious "I'm sorry, so sorry I just needed to see you. I know we are not exactly together anymore and this.. this is not fair to you or me or to _him_. But I just had to see you. In my head it's three years ago and you are just supposed to be here ", she said with a slight panic in her voice.

Christopher didn't have to ask who was this him she was talking about. He also knew that he had no right to be jealous of John, after all it had been Christopher who had pushed Rose out just two months after he had proposed to her. It had been him who had told her that it couldn't work out between them. But still Christopher couldn't help but to feel a sting of jealousy when he thought John and Rose together.

He had met John twice, so he knew that the skinny man was everything he wasn't. He was energetic and childlike. He had a weird sense of style, always wearing suits with converses. But what was the thing that mostly separated them was John's constant happiness and lightheartedness. Christopher couldn't understand how the man could grin constantly, but he did.

"Listen to me Rose Tyler", Christopher said, loving the feeling of having her name rolling in his mouth, and looked deep into her hazel eyes. "you don't ever have to apologize to me".

A small smile made its way on Rose's lips as she pushed her hair behind her ear. "That sounds good to me", she said and Christopher could see she was having some trouble continuing her speech. "Today has been kinda hard and I just need to know the facts."

"Okay, what facts?"

"Well about... About us first of all. I mean we were engaged and happy. Or at least I thought we were. So what happened?" Rose asked turning her head down so she was staring at her hands on her lap.

Christopher sighed. This wasn't going to be easy for either one of them. "Yeah of course we were happy", he said and just by looking at her he could remember everything that had been wonderful about their relationship. "But after some time of our engagement I just kinda realized... Well it just kinda hit me."

"What did?" Rose looked up and placed her hand on his arm. Christopher just looked at her worried face and her hand on his skin. He could feel goose bumps all over his body shimmering from that one small part Rose was touching. How, how after three years she still had such a huge impact on him?

"The little things. The age difference. My sulking nature compared to your liveliness. My ridiculous jealousy over Jack Harkness. The fact that I always seemed to manage to get us into trouble. And don't try to deny it you know it's true", he said quickly after seeing how Rose was about to cut his speech. "Remember when we got drunk and I convinced you that it would be a fun idea to break into the Buckingham palace? Anyhow, I know it sounds stupid now, but I just realized that I wasn't good for you."

Rose turned her head and was silent for a moment but to Christopher it felt like forever. He could see she was trying to process the information. He was scared of her reaction. He knew he couldn't bear if she started crying. But as she looked up to his eyes he could see no tears. Her eyes were actually flaming like fire.

"And how was that your decision to make?" She said overly calmly which just highlighted the fire in her eyes. "You just realized it, huh? And I suppose I didn't have anything to say about it?" Her cold tone was trembling with anger which was strange to Christopher. Rose he knew was certainly not a spineless sheep, but she had always been soft and sweet. This kind of anger was new to him.

"Well... I kept pushing you out and shutting you outside. I was mean even. You tried to talk to me and get back in but I didn't let you. The worst thing was how much of a coward I was. I didn't have the strength or the courage to break up with you myself, I wanted you to leave me. But you wouldn't do that so one day, after a few drinks, I just asked the ring back." Rose didn't say anything, just looked at him pressing her lips firmly together making her mouth a tight line. Christopher sighed. "Could you say something, this is not easy for me to explain."

"Well it's not exactly easy to hear either", Rose said staring at her hands. "So that was it? I just accepted? Doesn't sound like me."

Christopher let out a small laugh. "Well obviously you didn't just accept, you are way too stubborn for that. You did try to get through to me more than once over the following months, but I wouldn't let you in. It took me almost two years to realize-" he shouldn't keep going. He was already sailing on dangerous seas. Rose had been right, it wouldn't be fair to anyone.

"What? What did you realize?" she asked her voice warming up and her gaze rising from her hands to meet his. And the moment she looked into his eyes, Christopher felt the same selfishness he had felt when he first had walked through the door. Who really cared about being fair?

"That... That I really wanted you in my life. But it was too late. One day a little over a year ago I was about to step into your coffee shop -Mickey had told me you worked there- when I saw you through the window. You didn't see me, you were looking at a suited guy who was sitting at one of the tables. And even though it was a different way than the one you used to look at me, its meaning was quite clear. And everytime you didn't look at him, he glanced at you with a smile. And so I stepped back."

Rose rubbed her face and ran her hands through her hair leaving them resting on her neck for a while before dropping them by her sides."I don't remember him", she whispered more to herself than Christopher.

They sat silently for a few moments. Christopher didn't have any idea what he was supposed to say. The ball was in Rose's court now. Well to be fair, she had two balls and she had forgotten how to play them.

"I know I should remember all of that, us breaking up and John, but I don't. I don't have any idea what to do. How am I supposed to continue living a life I don't know? Or should I try to go on with the life I had three years ago? Is that even possible?" Christopher could see her eyes tearing up and it was crazy how much that affected him. A need to hold Rose in his arms was so strong he could feel his body physically tingling. But he didn't want to confuse her more, so he simply took her hand and held it for a while, rubbing it softly with his thumb.

"I know everything must feel strange and heavy right now. Just try to get some rest and take one step at a time. Start with your family, try to get on the same page with them. And then focus on... other things", he wanted to say 'focus on me and John and realize you want to be with me' but that could have been a tiny bit too pushy.

Rose nodded. "Yes, I think I'll take that advice."

Christopher stood up, still not being able to turn his eyes from Rose. "Well, I think it's better that I leave you thinking. And stuff. Just rest, okay?" As he could see her nodding, he turned to the door, and oh how hard of a turn that was, and left the room with more hope than he had had in a very long time.


	5. Hardest things

**Chapter 5: Hardest things**

The next day Rose Tyler sat on her bed almost an hour, her mind trying to process all the feelings she was having and was supposed to have. How could her head be so messed up? This wasn't supposed to happen. She had already known that she was having amnesia and that she and Christopher had broken up but hearing these things from his mouth... It had finally hit her good. Her life wasn't what she thought. And trying to figure it out wasn't going to affect only her, but the people around her. She hadn't missed John's pain when she had flinched by his touch. Or how Christopher's eyes had filled up with hope the moment she had smiled at him.

Jackie and Pete had visited earlier in the morning and Rose could see that neither of them had slept in a long time so she sent them home to rest. Jackie had tried to protest, but after Rose gave her dad a significant glare he managed to convince Jackie that Rose was right, they both needed to sleep. And they should go release the nanny who had been taking care of Tony for a few days straight. Finally Jackie had agreed to go home for a few hours, but she promised Rose that they'd be back later that evening.

Rose couldn't keep on sitting on her bed, she needed to do something, anything. A walk. Walking would feel crazy good. She pushed the big red button next to her bed Martha had shown her. It didn't take long for a nurse to appear.

"I would like to walk a bit, is that okay?" Rose asked the nurse. She was the strangest looking woman Rose had ever seen. She had unnaturally high cheekbones and the corners of her eyes rose up in a way that made her almost look like a cat.

"Most certainly. But we have to start very easy, just to the end of the hallway, with the walker," the catnurse answered while getting the walker from one of the corners next to Rose's bed.

"It'd better be a long hallway then," Rose muttered as she compelled her body to stand up leaning on the walker according to the catnurse's advice.

Rose had only taken a few steps into the hallway but she was already covered in sweat. Her body hadn't moved in three weeks. This little walk was going to be the biggest gym session of her life. She could already feel her muscles aching as she took another step. And another. And she loved every single one of those steps. Moving her legs required all of her concentration and strength which meant that she couldn't spare any thoughts on anything related to the accident. Right now all that existed were the hallway (which suddenly felt really long), her legs, the walker and the catnurse who was walking by her side ready to catch her if she fell. Rose kept her eyes fixed on at the end of the hallway. Well, to be honest she was staring at a blue sofa at the end of the hallway. If she could reach it, she could rest there for a minute. Or an hour.

"See? You are walking! You are doing a lot better than doctor Jones predicted. Just take one step after another one. Easy-breezy."

Easy?! Was that crazy catlady seriously calling this easy? If she hadn't been huffing and puffing her lungs out, Rose would've told the nurse to shut it. This was the complete opposite of easy. This damn hallway was her Everest, it was her...

"John?" Rose huffed while staring the tall suited man who had just entered the hallway, right next to the sofa she was struggling so much to get to. First John looked surprised but then his face was filled with terror and worry. He obviously hadn't expected to see Rose up and walking so soon. Rose could swear it only took John one blink of an eye to appear right next to her.

"How the hell are you walking? Who told you, you could go walking? You shouldn't be walking! Does Martha know that you are out of bed, just walking around?" John shot questions at Rose million miles an hour with a high-pitched voice. He was about to grab Rose's arm to help her but Rose managed to dodge his hand.

"No! Just... let me... do this... on my own..." she puffed between every third word. Only twenty feet and she could rest on the lovely, soft sofa. A few painful steps. But she wasn't a child, she didn't want to be walked like a toddler. John groaned but thankfully he didn't try to insist and moved to her side. Rose didn't look at him, she just kept her gaze on the sofa. Three more steps. Two. The last one. "Oh thank God," she moaned as she collapsed on the heavenly cushions. Walking that hallway had been the hardest physical thing she had ever done. Rose felt ridiculously proud of her achievement and she couldn't stop grinning even though she was still out of breath and covered in sweat.

John sat next to her and softly pushed her blonde hair behind her ear. Then he shot the coldest look at the catnurse who was just standing and smiling across to them. "Nurse Hame! Why on earth did you think it was in any way good idea to let Rose out of bed? You should've talked to Martha first!"

Nurse Hame (Rose made a mental memo about her name, she couldn't keep on going calling her catnurse) shrugged her shoulders. "She wanted to try, she was doing great getting up from the bed, so I let her. I do believe it's best to let people test their wings so they'll learn their limits," she said still smiling. Rose thought the smile was getting a little creepy.

John didn't smile. "Are you nuts? Did you even go to the nursing school? You can't just let someone who has been in a car accident decide for themselves when to start moving around!"

Rose rolled her eyes. "I can perfectly well decide for myself when to try to move, thank you," she said and nurse Hame nodded and without a word she just turned around and walked away. "Okay, she's a bit quirky but still she's right, I'm an adult -older even than I think- and I know my limits, I wanted to try walking, so I did," Rose continued.

"Well what do you know, you're not a doctor," John said and waved his hand in the air. He stood up and offered his hand to Rose. "Okay, this is enough of craziness, come on let's get you back to bed and not do anything like this again until Martha says it's okay."

"What?! No!" what was wrong with him, she had just told him that she wanted to do this on her own. And for God's sake how could she be with someone who was so arrogant? "I'm going to sit here for as long as I want, and when I want to go back I'll do it myself, thank you very much. Seriously, did you used to tell me what to do? In the past?"

John looked genuinely shocked. "What? No, no, no, no, no, no! I'm not telling you what to do! I'm... I'm telling you what not to do," John said mumbling at the end of the sentence. Rose raised her eyebrows and stared into John's eyes. John chuckled to himself and sat right back next to her dropping his bag on the floor. "I'm sorry, so sorry. I was just worried about you," he said and tried to take her hand in his. And yet again she flinched.

John pulled his hand back immediately. "Sorry, sorry it's a habit," he said and rubbed his face.

"No, _I'm_ sorry," she said and took his hand back in hers. "It's not your fault my head is a complete mess. I mean in reality we've been together for what? Over a year did you say? So of course you're used to touching and talking to me in a different way than you would a stranger. You shouldn't have to apologize for acting like a boyfriend. I'm just sorry I can't think of you in that way."

John stared at his hand which was still being held by Rose. He seemed to be going through some sort of inner fight in his head. But whatever he was struggling to say, Rose realized that she didn't want to hear it. Not right now at least, not when her own feelings were still all over the place. For God's sake she had only been conscious for a couple of days, did she really have to process whatever John meant to her right now? She'd better change the subject.

"I thought you went home," she said while trying casually take her hand back. She could see that John didn't really want to let go but didn't try to grab it back either. Instead he bowed down and he started to dig his bag.

"I did, and I got these for you," he said and pulled something from his bag and gave Rose a tablet computer and a thick notebook which Rose was shocked to realize she knew really well. "It's my tablet and your diary. On the tablet there are a lot of pictures of the last year, I thought they might help you," he continued as Rose picked them from her lap.

At that moment Rose wasn't really interested in the tablet, she was worried about something else. "Why do you have my diary?"

John just stared at Rose his face blunt. "I didn't read it if that's what you're worried about. I was in my apartment and saw that on your nightstand and thought I should bring it to you, so you could read what you've written during your missing years."

"What do you mean my nightstand in your apartment? Mum and dad told me I still live in my own apartment."

"Well..." John pulled his ear. "Technically you do, but you don't really spend any time there anymore. Actually we've been talking about you living in my apartment permanently. You know, with me," he said gingerly, focusing on the wall opposite them like it was the most interesting thing in the world.

"Oh," Rose said not being capable of producing any intellectual sentence. Rose had been wondering how serious her and John's relationship had been, obviously he loved her but still, living together... That was a serious relationship. And that just made everything even harder. Oh crab.

"Well, thanks for these, I think they'll help," Rose said lifting the tablet and the diary in her hand and took a closer look at the tablet. "I hope I can use this, it looks a lot more modern then the tablets in my head. Are you sure you don't need this today?"

"No, no I have another one upstairs in my office. I haven't used that one for a while, since you kept on stealing it to yourself to play Candy crash," John grinned.

Rose looked past the smile and playful tone John had, there was something else she wanted to clear up. "Wait your office? So you work here in the hospital?"

"Well yes, I'm a doctor. Jackie didn't tell you that? That's weird she usually won't shut up about it. She's always having me check-up some new symptoms she or her friends have been having, just last month she rang me about this mole on her-"

"So you're a doctor," Rose interrupted.

"Yeah, that's what I just said," John said and turned awkwardly towards Rose. "Are you sure you're okay, should we get you back to bed?"

"No I understand what you said. So you're a doctor and I work at a coffee shop?" John simply nodded, clearly afraid where this conversation was going to. "How does that work?"

"It works in a way that when you go to work you go to the Tardis and when I go to work I come here." John said and raised his eyebrows.

Rose was getting a little upset. She was tired and she really didn't feel like playing games. Why was he intentionally playing stupid? "You know that's not what I meant. You're a doctor. I'm a coffee shop worker. What do we have in common? Except the fact that the woman I work for happens to be your cousin? What reason could someone like you have to be with someone like me?"

John's face darkened in a way Rose had not yet seen. As his mouth tightened it looked like his eyes were getting darker. "Don't do this Rose," he said in a low voice. "I've been fighting about this with your father for so long. Don't you dare try to make up some bullshit about socioeconomic statuses and how we couldn't possibly be together because I make more money than you."

"You said it, not me," Rose said slowly and started to twist herself up from the sofa. "I think I'm ready to go back to my room now."

Back in her room Rose was yet again sitting on her bed. She was feeling a bit overwhelmed not only by the quarrel she had had with John but by the walking which- though extremely satisfying- had been exhausting. She was aching everywhere and she felt like every single one of her muscles was made of stone. Perhaps it hadn't been her brightest idea to go for a walk just after three weeks of coma. Oh well.

John had walked Rose to her room in silence. It was obvious that she had hit a nerve with her not-so-subtle accusation of John having some secret motive to be with her. She didn't know why she had gotten upset about John being a doctor, it wasn't like she truly even believed in social classes, not at least in a way her grandparents did. Perhaps it had been the exhaustion, or the shock of finding out that they were practically living together, but something had snapped in her head and she had just wanted to get angry at him. Now as she was sitting on her bed, she was ashamed of the way she had talked to John.

After John had made sure Rose was comfortably in her bed, he had just asked her to go through her diary and the tablet computer and then, without saying anything else he had just left. But Rose assumed he had asked Martha to check-up on her since she had entered the room about five minutes after he had left. Martha hadn't been happy about Rose's little walk and she had made Rose swear that she wouldn't try to do anything like that again without talking to her first. And considering the fact that all her muscles were screaming for mercy even while sitting, she had promised not to move a finger without asking her first.

Rose had put the tablet and the diary on her nightstand so she could examine them in peace after Martha left. The second she was out the door Rose grabbed her diary and started browsing the slightly yellow pages filled with her handwriting. She had gotten the diary from her mum as a 20th birthday gift four years ago, and thank God it was thick enough to hold the years all the way to three weeks ago. She wasn't the most regular writer, sometimes it took several months between writings but every time something important happened she would write everything down.

Finally she found the right page, dated almost three years ago. The page was scruffy and the ink had partly spread but it was still readable. There was only one sentence, written with a shaky handwriting.

 _'_ _He asked the ring back.'_

Rose stared at the sentence feeling the tears starting to form in her eyes. Reading this wouldn't be easy, but she had to do it. She started to turn the pages, reading every single word. It was weird reading her own handwriting without having any memories of the happenings, but at the same time it was oddly comforting. _Her_ hand had been the one to write these pages full, they were _her_ words. She dove into the diary, reading stories of her own life, sentences flowing in her eyes.

' _I tried to talk to Christopher again. He practically shut the door in front of my nose and told me to have a fantastic life. How, how am I supposed to have a fantastic life without him after he has been the one thing that's made my life so amazing?'_

 _'_ _I went over to Christopher's again, but he wouldn't even let me in. I just don't understand what I'm supposed to do.'_

 _'_ _Mum keeps on trying to get me out of the house. She keeps on nagging how life isn't over just because of a one break-up or how Christopher and I just weren't meant to be or how I'm supposed to move on. I don't really have the energy to deal with her so I mainly keep in my room. Yesterday someone from Henrik's called and told me they had to let me go since I haven't come to work in days. Good, at least now they can stop trying to reach me.'_

 _'_ _I never thought I could hit this kind of a bottom. It's been almost two months, TWO MONTHS, since I've done anything that even remotely resembles living. Yesterday Tony stumbled in my room with his stuffed bunny and said two words: 'Rose sad'. I grabbed him and took him into the park instantly. Mum and dad looked like they had seen a ghost when I put on my coat and left with Tony. But if my barely one-year-old brother can see that I'm unhappy I have to do something about it. Last months… I haven't been myself. Yes, I'm still sad that Christopher left me, but I shouldn't have shut the world out just because I was upset. For God's sake I am a grown woman, I will not waste any more time laying in my bed wondering why he did what he did. I just called Mickey and Shareen and asked them to the cinema with me. They both sounded astonished since I've refused to talk to anybody for so long, but they promised to come. Life, I've missed you.'_

 _'_ _I'm starting to work in Jack's office tomorrow. It's nothing permanent, just for a few months since that's when his real secretary comes back from her maternity leave. But I'm still exited, I've got a job and last week I found this amazing flat, it's nothing big but just right for me. I'm taking Kat with me since Tony can't stop pulling her tail and dad has started to develop allergies (which is weird since she's been with us for eight years), so I won't be completely alone. It's about time to move away from home!'_

 _'_ _I'm falling behind on rent. It's been months since my last temp job and I'm getting a bit anxious. My landlady is lovely, but I can't keep her waiting, I really need to find something.'_

 _'_ _I have a job! A real long-contracted job! I am so excited that I can't even sit down! I work in a beautiful coffee shop with great people. Even though I started only two days ago, I can already say that I love it. My boss, Donna, is probably the most straightforward woman I've ever met and I think it's amazing. She's so sure of herself and doesn't let anyone tell her otherwise. And she's so funny! I honestly think we could become great friends.'_

 _'_ _Today was… different. I met Donna's cousin John when it was almost closing time and we sat and talked for a long time. I don't know, we just hit it off immediately. Well, to be honest, first I thought he was a thief but obviously I was mistaken.'_

 _'_ _After my shift John and I went for a walk again. He's been coming to the Tardis more and more lately, and I've realized that I'm actually waiting for him to come every time the door goes. I'm a little confused though, I didn't think I wanted a relationship with anyone, but he is just so special. He's so refreshing and enthusiastic about everything and he really makes me laugh. And it doesn't hurt that he's incredible sexy as well. I don't know, I think I really like him. But I'm not sure how he feels about me, I'm pretty sure he likes me too, but he is hard to read. I mean we've been hanging together for over a month now, couldn't he just make his move? Aaand I just realized I sound like a teen girl with a crush.'_

 _'_ _I kissed John today. I didn't plan on it or anything, but as I went to the lobby of the hospital to wait for him, and as he walked from the lift across the floor to me with a grin on his face I just stopped thinking, pulled him down to me and kissed him right there in front of everyone he works with every day. And it wasn't a little peck either, it was a proper snog. Oops. He seemed a little shocked at first but thank God he kissed me back. And when we finally stopped I swear his grin had widened more than I thought was humanly possible. Needless to say, that wasn't the only kiss I had with him today.'_

 _'_ _What the hell is wrong with men?! Or is it just that the only two men I've ever fancied have both been completely incapable of talking about their feelings? Christopher was always hiding his emotions about everything, but I didn't think every man is like that! Certainly Jack is always sharing his feelings for anyone who's willing to listen, so why can't John do the same? Even a little bit? I don't need much, I'm not asking for a complete opening about every little thought he has about me, but goddammit how could he think that 'Quite right too' is a proper answer when I'm telling him that I love him for the first time? I know he does, I can see it in his eyes so why can't he just say it? I mean he had the opportunity right there! I was in his bed, in his arms telling him I loved him after we had made love for the very first time. QUITE RIGHT TOO?'_

 _'_ _Kat died today. I was kind of expecting it since she's been sick a lot lately, but I'm still sad. I mean she was my only companion when I first started my independent life in this flat. John's been amazing, he actually called Donna so I didn't have to go to work today and he has been bringing me tea for the whole evening. Lately he has been helping me to study for the university entrance exam. I know he loves me, it really doesn't need saying.'_

 _'_ _Today was a pretty good day! I brought John home to meet mum, dad and Tony today. It was kinda awkward because mum kept interrogating him about everything and dad was visibly confused after John told him he was a doctor. Then Tony decided to pour his juice in John's hair. So why did I think that it was a good day? Well, after we reached John's apartment I thought I should apologize for my family, but before I managed to get to the end my apology he grabbed me and snogged me senseless. I must've looked astonished because he laughed and said: 'I love you so much that I really don't care if your family is crazy, I will love them too.' And then he pretty much carried me into the bedroom. Boom! I KNEW IT.'_

 _'_ _John's been pressing me about this apartment thing. I know it really doesn't make sense for me to have my own flat anymore since most of the days I'm in his apartment, but still… It's a big step. And I love my little flat. Not as much as I love John but I have some great memories there. On the other hand I really want to do it. Mum says I should do it, but I don't know. I think I'll talk about this with Mickey when he gets here next week. He says things the way they are, not sugar coding anything and that's what I need.'_

Rose closed the diary after reading it through. It hadn't helped her memory, but it had made one thing clear. She _had_ loved John, even though right now it seemed impossible. It was kinda ironic that John had been incapable of telling her he loved her, since right now their roles were reversed. She felt a lump in her throat as she realized what she was about to do. But at the same time she felt like this was the right thing to do. Her mum had brought her cell phone to her earlier and after a little fumbling she managed to write a text message.

 _Dear Christopher_

 _I don't know how to say this out loud, so it's my time to be a coward and text you instead of talking to you. And trust me, this is the hardest text I've ever written. I know this is not what you want to hear, but after some serious thinking I came to the conclusion that I need to try to continue my current life. Which means I'll be trying to work things out with John. It won't be easy but I think I have to at least try, I owe him that much. I'm so sorry._

 _Rose_

And while crying, she pressed send.


	6. Uncertainty

I'm not dead! But this fall has been crazy busy, I've been drowning with my studies and I honestly haven't had any time for anything extra. But fortunately year is ending and I'll have more time on my hands! Thank you so much for reading 3

 **Chapter 6: Uncertainty**

John's feet took him to the Tardis without thinking. At the door he saw that Donna had already turned the 'open' sign around on the door to tell customers that the coffee shop was closed. John checked his watch. It was ten to nine, so the Tardis should be open for another ten minutes. That was odd, Donna had never closed early. He tried the door and it was open so he walked in.

The scene he walked in was so comical that if he hadn't just been arguing with Rose he would've burst into laughter. Donna was laying on the counter towel over her head and Rose's co-worker Clara was sitting on a chair, feet on the table and for some reason her hair was dripping water on the floor. John nodded to Clara who just shook her head.

"Donna I'm going home, okay?" she said as she rose up. Donna just waved her hand and groaned. Clara interpreted that as a signal that it was okay to go and went to the back. John walked towards Donna.

"Donnaa…" John said and lift the towel off of his cousin's face. "What's up?"

"What's up? A bloody horrible day, that's what's up! First there was the group of teenagers who decided that it was a great idea to start a food fight. Then a customer complained about our gluten free products, apparently we don't hold her standards. And then an hour ago the dish washer decided to die on us, it started to splatter water everywhere, so rest of the evening customers had to eat on paper plates and I couldn't get the repairer till day after tomorrow so we won't even open tomorrow. Oh John, we just can't do this with so little manpower, just Clara and me. Either Rose will come back soon or I have to hire someone new."

"You should've told me how bad things were, I could've stepped in!" John said and truly meant it. True, he had never worked in a coffee shop but how hard could it really be?

Donna laughed. "Like you didn't have enough on your plate! I didn't want you to feel bad about my misery. Plus, gramps has been helpful. Or… at least he tries to be. But the fact is that me and Clara can't run the Tardis alone. I need to hire someone if Rose won't come back soon. How's she doing? I thought about going to see her but since she doesn't know me..." Donna shrugged and got up into a sitting position on the counter.

John hesitated before speaking. Should he really tell Donna how he was really feeling? On the other hand he had always been able to tell Donna everything. Good stuff and bad stuff. They were family after all.

"Well, physically she's doing great, far better than anybody expected. But none of her memories have come back and I think it's time to face the fact that they never might", John's voice faded into whisper .It was the first time he had said it out loud. What if Rose would never get her memories back? "I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose her but I can't make her to be with me either."

All of a sudden Donna slapped the back of John's head.

"Oi! What was that for?" he yelped and rubbed his head.

"I am just so angry!" Donna uttered. "This is such an unfair situation!"

"Well it's not my fault, so why slapping me!?"

"Well I wanted to hit something and I am not going to hit myself that would be ridiculous." John rolled his eyes. Donna had her own logic, there was really no point to try to talk reason to her.

"And you just don't get it!" she continued. "I've been watching you for my whole life, you've always had the emotional skills of a dead lobster- don't even try to deny it- and finally when you actually meet someone you truly love and she's taken away. It's not fair!"

Regardless of the lobster comment, John was actually touched by how much Donna cared. "I know, it's just-"

"Nooo, you don't understand! Before Rose you were a completely hopeless case, a complete idiot when it came to expressing any deep feelings towards others."

"Okay, thanks. That's just-" John knew Donna was getting her babbling gear on and tried to cut it short.

"I mean even after you two met and got together you still couldn't admit how you felt for ages! Even though it was completely and obviously written on your face!"

"Donna, could you-"

"Don't think I didn't hear about that 'Quite right too' fiasco. Seriously John what was going on inside your head? It's like you didn't even-"

"Oh shut it Donna! You are not exactly making me feel any better!"

"Right, yes of course, I'm sorry," she said and John knew she truly meant it. "It's just not fair."

John sighed. "Tell me about it. I was just at the hospital and we had a stupid argument. Honestly it feels like she's not even Rose anymore…" and something hit John and this time it wasn't Donna's slap but a realisation. "But that's just it, isn't it? She's not the Rose I know anymore, she's Rose from three years ago. I didn't know her then, she could've been a completely different person! What do you think, how much people change in three years?"

Again Donna shrugged. "I don't know, probably depends on a person. I mean three years ago you were a doctor and had pretty much the same live you have now. But three years ago Rose was only twenty-one years old, and from what she has told me, kind of a rebel."

John sat down feeling a little more depressed than before. Of course he had known it, Rose had told him about her past. Three years ago she had been in a completely different place than now and had lived a very different life than what they had lived during their year together. John crossed his arms on the table and let his chin rest on top of them.

"But… I don't know what I'm supposed to do. "John was baffled. Oh how much he hated not knowing something. "I don't want to lose her but I can't exactly force her to love me."

And this time there was an actual slap from Donna he felt in the back of his head

"Would you stop slapping me!"

"Well of course you can't force her!" Donna said with a hoarse voice she kept using when she wanted to lecture John, which to be fair was annoyingly often. "But you can start again. She fell for you once, who says she can't do it again? But stop trying too hard, you'll scare her. You need to get to know each other again."

"But… but… that's so slow," John protested. Donna rolled her eyes.

Of course she was right. He would have to get to know this new (old?) Rose and vice versa. But the fact was that John had never been the best when it came to patience. The slow path didn't quite suit him, he wanted to skip right to the good part. And in this case the good part would be sitting on a sofa next to Rose in his –no, in their- apartment where she would lean on his shoulder which would be very convenient, because then he would be able to smell her hair which was most definitely the very best scent in the world. He wanted to skip straight to the love and passion, where he and Rose would, ahem, _dance_ all night. God he hadn't even kissed her in weeks! That alone felt like a crime. And it would probably be even longer time before their lips would meet each other in that kind of marvellous way. Unless the worst thing happened and they would never again… Nope, he wasn't going to let that happen.

"Sometimes there's no other way than going slow. Give her some space, if you're able to" Donna said and reached her hand towards John. John flinched but this time Donna's hand didn't slap him but found its way on his shoulder which was actually quite comforting. "You know what? I think you should start working again. Honestly, you really need something to do. You said Rose is recovering physically, so you don't have to be watching her every move."

As John left the Tardis he thought about what Donna had suggested. At first the idea of starting to work again had shocked him. How could he do his job when his head was all over the place? But on the other hand the only way he would be able to not to be next to Rose's bed every hour was if he was working. And in the end Donna was right, Rose needed space, he couldn't keep hovering over her.

When he stepped into his apartment he took his phone from his pocket and sat at his desk. After one second hesitation he called his boss.

"Hello!" John said in a voice that was way more cheerful than he was actually feeling. "Just letting you know that I'm coming to work tomorrow."

"Okay. What do you want to do?" That was why John liked his boss. No fuss no muss, just straight to the point. Also, he usually just let John do whatever tasks he wanted to, as long as he kept his patients safe and healthy.

"I think I'm gonna catch up with some paper work, there's bound to be some."

"Seriously?" his boss asked. It wasn't exactly a secret that John would dodge all paperwork till it absolutely had to be done. He wanted to focus on diagnoses, surgeries and studying new treatments. All the paper bureaucracy … Nah, he usually just waited and hoped someone else would do it.

"Yup," John answered popping the 'p'. "Better start easy."

"Well sure, if that's what you want. See you tomorrow then."

After hanging up the phone John decided to head to bed. As he was laying there alone he wished for the 127th time that on the night of the accident he would've just told Rose to come home with him instead of persuading her to go see Mickey. He knew these kind of what ifs didn't do anyone any good, but sometimes it was impossible not to think of them. As he turned to his side he was facing the empty space where Rose would sleep, and just like every night, it hurt his heart not to see her there where she was supposed to be.

"Give her space if I'm able to," John muttered Donna's words. "I'm the best when it comes to giving space. Space, space, space. I'm an expert with that. I can give her space." And as he said the words he knew that he absolutely and definitely could not do that.

-:-:-

It had been two days since Rose had read her diary and come to the conclusion that she should try hw things with John would turn up. Last days she had been keeping on turning her head between the door of her room and the mobile phone on her nightstand. Neither one showed any signs of living. She wasn't exactly sure which one she was hoping; did she want John to come through the door so they could talk or did she want her phone to ring and hear Christopher's voice in the other end. Both scenarios frightened her but she knew they both needed to happen. And so when the door opened her neck snapped as she turned her head. Two people came in but neither one of them was John.

"Mickey! And Jack!" Rose cried wanting to jump out of her bed to hug her friends. But remembering the promise she had made to Martha, she stayed put, simply spreading her arms as her friends rushed to hug her. Oh it felt good to see their faces, there was something so normal about them, a sign that some things had stayed the same, they were still friends.

"I'm so glad you guys are here!" Rose said after releasing her friends. Mickey sat down on her bed and Jack on the chair next to it. Even though Rose hadn't exactly been lonely since her parents and even little Tony (though not as little as Rose remembered) had visited her for multiple hours per day, she was happy to have some company of her friends.

"Well, we would've come right when you woke up, but Jackie wouldn't let us in," Jack said. "Apparently we would be too much of a stressor."

"Well to be honest you are too big of a stressor for most people," Mickey smirked. "But anyhow, it's good to see you awake Rose. You look really good for someone who has recently been in a coma for three weeks."

Rose smiled. "Thanks. You two look pretty much the same. Except you Jack you have some wrinkles around the eyes that definitely weren't there three years ago," Rose laughed as Jack's face went as pale as a ghost. "I'm just kidding! You look just as amazing as ever."

Jack relaxed and Mickey sniggered. "Oh Rose Tyler you're going to force me to an early grave," Jack said as he ran his fingers to feel the corners of his eyes. "Nope, perfect as ever."

For a good fifteen minutes none of them brought up Rose's lost memories, they just sat there laughing, teasing each other and talking about some older shared memories. Rose and Mickey had been friends since childhood and Jack had come around in their teenage years. So they had been friends for a long time. For a little while Rose felt like nothing was different. Until a little too big of a pause fell over them and Mickey decided to grab the bull by its horns.

" So… How have you really been handling these last days? With the memory thingy and all?"

Rose wished she could just simply tell her friends that she was fine. But she couldn't.

"It's been hard. Mum's trying so hard to catch me up on everything but it still doesn't feel like my life. Seeing Tony yesterday just made it all so real. I feel like I've missed so much. And then there's the whole John thing," she said and lift her diary. She had also been going through the pictures on John's tablet which just made all that she had read on a diary seem more true: they had been a really happy couple.

"Yeah… Jackie said that we shouldn't bring that up," Mickey said and rubbed his neck clearly uncomfortable.

Rose rolled her eyes. "Oh shut it. I'm a big girl I can handle talking about this. And I really want to talk about this with you guys because comparing to my parents you're more…. neutral. Like my very own Switzerland. The fact is that I'm going to get home soon and I want to be on the map by then. And I know that since it hasn't happen yet, it's very unlikely that my memory will come back," she said firmly. "I've been reading my diary and I'm thinking that I probably should try to get to know John. But in my head I'm still living times when I was engaged to Christopher and… I can't just turn my feelings off. I need you to tell me if I'm making a right decision."

Mickey and Jack glanced at each other. Rose had pointed the question mostly to Mickey, since Jack and Christopher had had a relationship which one might describe as a tense one. Christopher had always been jealous and wary of Rose and Jack's relationship which had always made Jack want to turn his natural flirtation even more on, even when his relationship with Rose was more like they were siblings than anything else. But Mickey and Christopher were friends. Or at least they had been, Rose couldn't know if they were anymore.

"I can't make that decision for you Rose," Mickey said quietly.

"I'm not asking you to. I am asking for your opinion. Do you think I'm making the right choice?"

Mickey sighed. Rose knew she was putting him in an uncomfortable place but she didn't really care. She wanted his opinion. Mickey was his best friend since childhood, he knew her and he knew both of the men in question.

"Well… I know what you and Chris had was real and special and you loved each other like crazy. It was really passionate thing you guys had. You were there to make sure he wouldn't sulk all day long. But your relationship with John was more… balanced, I think. He kept on making you smile even on your worst days and you kept on pulling him down on the ground when his head was in the clouds or when he wouldn't confront things he needed to." Mickey paused for a few seconds. "I care for both of them, they are both my friends, but I must say that I think you should try to patch things up with John. You don't owe that to him, but to yourself. To the Rose Tyler, who just a month ago was so much in love with him."

Rose didn't say anything. Why on earth had she asked him for his opinion? It's not like either of the possible answers would've made her feel better. She could not deny her feelings for Christopher and that's why it had hurt to hear Mickey's answer. But on the other hand it was good to hear that he agreed with her. Even though her heart couldn't quite agree, her head said that trying this with John was the right thing to do. Her eyes met Jack's and he nodded as well.

"All right then. I think I should talk to him soon. We argued day before yesterday and he hasn't come since. He might be a little upset with me."

"Well I wouldn't count on it, considering the fact that he has walked past your door about seven times since me and Mickey sat down," Jack nodded towards the little window on Rose's door. Rose couldn't see out of it while she was sitting down, and the only reason Jack could, was because he was several inches taller than Rose.

"Okay, I think it's our time to leave and let that poor man in," Mickey smiled and hugged Rose. "Take care of yourself."

"Yeah, you guys too," Rose said and kissed Jack's cheek and Mickey went on pushing the door open. Rose almost jumped out of her skin when she hears the door hitting someone.

"Ouch! For the love of God Mickey, why would you shove the door in a way it hits innocent by walkers in their faces!"

Jack left Rose and walked into the hallway to meet John. "Well John, when you walk past a certain door about nine times per hour it is extremely likely that eventually you're going to get hit by it," he said holding his laughter back.

"I have absolutely no idea what you're saying Jack." John answered, but his eyes had already found Rose who was smiling on her bed.

"Yeah, sure you don't," Mickey rolled his eyes. "Anyhow I think it's time for me and Jack here to leave you two alone. See you later Rose!" Rose nodded to her friends as they left baffled John standing in the hallway clearly unclear whether to step inside the room or not.

"It's okay, come on in," Rose said and gestured him to sit on the chair. "You and I have to talk."

John seemed relieved by the invitation and nodded with a nervous smile on his face. As John stepped inside Rose could see he was wearing a doctor's coat. "Oh I'm sorry, are you working? We can talk later if you don't have time," she said, although Rose really _really_ didn't want to push this conversation. She was scared that if she didn't talk to him now, she would again change her mind. And she was done with uncertainty.

It took John a couple of seconds to understand what Rose had said. "What? Ooh no, no, no, I'm not working. Weell I say I'm not working… Technically I am, started yesterday, it was a crazy day. Busy busy busy. But I'm not working right now, now I'm on a break," he babbled and rubbed his neck.

Rose laughed and wondered if he always rumbled on when asked a question or was it just that he was nervous. "Okay, I get it, you have some time. But still, I would like to cut to the chase. First of all, I'm sorry about the other day. I was tired and still really confused and I shouldn't have lashed out on you. And don't say I didn't because I totally did!" She added when John opened his mouth. "And now… the second thing I wanted to talk about. I've been going through my diary and the photos on the tablet. And the thing is that I believe that we were happy. And I believe that I was very much in love with you. "

Rose paused for a little while when she saw John's dark brown eyes (which, to be fair, were pretty gorgeous) filled with something between fear and sorrow. It took a second for Rose to realize that he thought she was saying goodbye to him. She quickly continued.

"So, I'm not saying that everything will be the same. That's not even realistic since I still don't really know you. And I'm not moving in with you. We would have to take this slow. But I would like to get to know you better. I think… I think I owe it to you and to myself."

Rose waited for John to smile and cheer up a little, but he just sat there not moving a muscle. For a second Rose thought he might be having a little stroke. She leaned a little closer and poked his shoulder. And the answer that came from his mouth was so silent she almost didn't catch it.

"For real?" he asked in a low and hoarse voice, his eyes locked to Rose's.

"Well yeah," Rose said suddenly doubting everything she had just said. Was this a good idea after all? "I mean, if you want to."

John acted so quickly that Rose didn't have any time to react. In a heartbeat he had grabbed her face and kissed her. The kiss was both desperate and passionate and Rose could feel John's graving for her, but she didn't know how to react to this. She didn't feel comfortable kissing a man who she didn't exactly know, but at the same time his lips were so soft and demanding, his slight scent of musk was fabulous and she could really see herself wanting more of this at some point. But right when Rose came to that conclusion John let go of her looking a little shocked by what he had done.

"Oh God, I'm sorry I shouldn't have kissed you like that. I just… I thought you wanted to tell me to get lost and then you told me you didn't, and I just reacted I'm sorry, so sorry. I really wanted this to be a little more romantic if this would ever happen again. And I know you want to take things slow and I respect that and you, I'm so-"

"Say you're sorry one more time and I take all of it back," Rose cut him off. He looked terrified so she had to continue "No, I'm just kidding! I made my decision. I want to have this. Whatever this is." She tried to sound confident, but she feared her tone of voice revealed that she was anything but.

John didn't have the chance to answer when his pocket started beeping. Automatically he grabbed the beeper and his mouth made an enormous circle.

"Oh! Oh! They need me downstairs! There's been an accident, a bus full of people went off the road… They need every pair of hands they can get," he glanced at Rose. "I'm sorry I've got to go, but I'll be back okay? We can talk more then, if it's okay with you."

"Yes, of course!" Rose said and she tried to smile but she was still confused by the kiss they had shared and she knew he could see it. She also knew that they both needed time to think about what had just happened and how they should continue. So even though tragic, the accident had hit just the right place.

John rose to leave, but when he was at the door he stopped, turned back to Rose's bed and grabbed her hands and kissed them. "I know you want to take this slow but I want you to know that you have just made me indescribably happy," he murmured against her hands.

Rose didn't get to say anything as he left running from the room. Rose could swear she heard him screaming down the hallway: "No more paperwork for me!" Not for the first time she wondered how their life together had worked. He was so… energetic.

Rose leaned on her pillow and rubbed her face. She kept telling herself that everything was fine now. She had said what she needed to. She was moving forward. But the truth was that John's overly happy and intimate reaction had made her yet again feel anxious and uncomfortable. Rose sighed and closed her eyes and kept telling herself that this feeling of nervousness would eventually pass. She just needed to be open for this relationship. She flinched again when she heard beeping and for a second she thought John had left his beeper in her room. But it wasn't a peeper.

It was her mobile phone. Hands shaking she opened the message she had received.

 _Well that's just tough Rose, because I've been doing some thinking too. And I'm not giving up on this, on us. Not after this new possible chance with you. What we had was marvellous and I intend to get it back._

 _Christopher._

Rose kept reading the text over and over. The feeling of uncertainty returned and she realized that it had never left.


	7. The next step

I know I said I would have more time on my hands, but clearly I was wrong! A lot of stuff has been happening and keeping me busy, but I'm not stopping writing this, sometimes updates just might take a while :D

 **Chapter 7: The next step**

When Rose woke up in her hospital bed she smiled. It was her last morning in that bed. It had been three weeks since she had woken up and it was finally time to go home. She was still physically recovering, but she was doing better every day. Martha had instructed her to walk a little more on a daily bases and that was what Rose had done. A little more exercise every day.

During the weeks spend in the hospital Rose had taken care of some arrangements. She had emailed all of her professors that she was taking time off from her studies so she could focus on getting better and they all had been very understanding. Rose had agreed with her parents that at first she should move back in with them and Tony. Even though she wasn't exactly looking forward to Jackie's overly protective caretaking, she knew she couldn't manage all by herself just yet. And John –though slightly disappointed- had agreed when she had explained that it would be far too soon for her to move into his apartment, since they were still figuring things out.

If only all the emotional complexity had been as easy to deal with as those arrangements.

Rose Tyler had always been a good girl. Okay, not always always, she had had her wild years. But she had always been very proud of her sense of right and wrong. She always knew where the line was and even when it was hard, she always found the strength to do the right thing.

But right now her senses were all messed up and giving her mixed signals. She wanted to get to know John better, but still kept in contact with Christopher at the same time. She wanted to see Christopher again but she still kept on spending time with John.

And she had been spending a lot of time with John. And it had been… nice. John was all that a woman could want, he was funny, intelligent, charismatic and good-looking. And Rose really did enjoy his company. They hadn't talked about the I-thought-you-were-leaving-me-kiss and they certainly had not kissed again. But all the same, time spend with him was pleasant. It was just the way they were tiptoeing around each other that bothered her. Rose didn't know how to start a relationship with someone who already had been in a relationship with older version of herself for over a year… She groaned in her bed. Oh, just thinking of their situation made her head hurt. During the weeks she had thought that things would get easier and they would be able to talk about the emotional and intimate stuff openly, but that had not happened yet. And it was so frustrating. Rose didn't like this frozen-state their relationship was in.

Still. She had made a decision, and she really really wanted to stick with it. Which was exactly the reason she should not keep on texting Christopher. And still she did. Rose had been sure she could resist the temptation even after the first text message he had send to her. You know, the one where he declared that he wasn't going to give up on her. Even though she hated the anti-feministic vibes it gave to her, she had to admit that there was something exciting when a man said that he would fight for her. Rose had made a great mistake by replaying to the text. After that they had been texting back and forth almost every day. Nothing too shocking, mainly about what either one of them had been up to during the day, he had catched Rose up with his current life as a journalist. When you came to think about it, it really was all innocent stuff. As Rose came to that conclusion she shook her head. She knew was just lying to herself. Had the texts been completely innocent, she wouldn't be feeling so incredibly guilty right now.

She was grateful when she saw Martha stepping into the room interrupting her not-so-innocent thoughts about certain leather-jacketed man. Lately, she was always happy to see Martha. During her time spend in the hospital she had started to regard Martha more as a friend than a doctor.

"Hello there! How are you feeling? It's your last day! Excited?" Martha smiled. "I will honestly miss you, spending time with you has been the highlight of my workdays," she said and started her routine check-up.

"Don't think you'll be getting rid of me," Rose said. "Mum's practically in love with you, there's no way you won't be invited over at least every other week."

Martha laughed. "Well someone has to make sure you're taken care of, so I'd love to." She checked some last readings of the machine next to Rose. "Alright you're all good to go whenever Jackie comes!"

An hour after Martha had left Rose could hear the door of her room open. She smiled expecting her mum to rush in fuzzing over packing Rose's stuff (which during these weeks had found place all around the room) but it wasn't Jackie who came through the door. It was Christopher.

Rose could actually feel her own eyes popping out of their sockets. "What- what are you doing here?" she stuttered as Christopher closed the door behind him. As he sat down not saying a word Rose could feel her confusion quickly turning into worrying and worrying quickly turning into anger. "Seriously Christopher what the hell are you doing here? I texted you that I'm going home today! Mum's probably already on her way over here and any minute John could-"

"What if I told you that I don't really care," Christopher cut in with a slightly maniac grin. Why, _why_ did his smile still manage to make her insides do a backflip? "The fact is that you and I have to talk face to face about this whole situation," he waved his hand between himself and Rose and she didn't really need him to elaborate what he meant.

But just because she knew what he was after didn't mean she liked it. The whole thing between her and Christopher felt like a monster in a very fragile cage. A cage which would break down if they talked about the monster. Rose ran different scenarios in her head and decided that denying the monster's existence wouldn't work but she wasn't ready to free it just yet.

"Alright, fine!" she snarled. "But this is not the time or the place. I'll come by your place in a few days so we can talk." Rose tried desperately hide her shaking hands.

Christopher looked suspicious and also a little hurt by Rose's snappy tone. "Do you promise?"

"Yes of course," Rose answered a little softer. But she couldn't look directly at him, she was pointing her words mainly to his right ear. Looking at him hurt and reminded her of their time together and if she started to think about that, she might not be able to let him leave the room. "I promise. You're right, we should talk. But right now I need a few days to start putting my life together, beginning with-" she sighed "-living with my family."

After Rose promised two more times that she would visit him in a few days, Christopher agreed to leave. And not five minutes later Rose could hear her mum hustling through the corridors. Rose chuckled when she heard her mum complaining to nurse Hame about the wall colouring of the hospital ("So depressing this shade of yellow, probably making people even sicker than they are when they come in!").

Rose could feel the corners of her mouth curving upwards. Even though she knew that it could be very, _very_ tiring living under the same root with her family –not because she didn't love them, she just knew her parents well enough to know they would be looking after her every move- she was finally moving forward. And she had to admit, Jackie always made her feel like everything was going to be okay. It was a superpower Rose hoped she could use on her future kids.

So she was grinning wide when she finally saw her mum popping in the doorway. "Hello sweetheart ready to go?"

"Like you wouldn't believe."

-:-:-:-

"Dad, I'm pretty sure nothing in this kitchen has ever tasted better," Rose muttered to her father with a full mouth of potatoes and steak. God, she had forgotten how good home-cooked food could taste. Especially food made by her dad. Pete was smiling to her from opposite the table. He hadn't really been speaking that much since Rose stepped inside the house, but his face told Rose everything she needed to know.

"I don't like it," said Tony right next to Rose while mushing the potatoes with his fork. Rose was still having some hard time understanding that Tony was such a big boy already, walking and talking around. He seemed to be a happy kid. Jackie had told her that he already had tons of friends and was just as curious about the world as his big sister had been at his age.

"Oi! Tony you're being rude! Your dad worked hard to cook us a nice meal, you ought to appreciate it," Jackie said.

"But I like your fish fingers more!" Tony whined.

"Oh you impossible boy," Jackie bemoaned.

Rose felt this beautiful warmth inside her as she watched her mum quarrel with her little brother. She was home. With people who loved her and she knew for sure she loved them back just as much. No confusion or uncertainty. Just a nice family dinner with simple family dinner problems. It almost made her forget the guilt she was feeling about her situation with certain gentlemen.

Almost.

When it came to Tony's bedtime, Rose had to read to him a few pages of the first Harry Potter novel – apparently they had had a deal that every time Rose was visiting she had to read it to him. And while Rose had been in the hospital, Jackie had tried to continue reading to Tony, but Tony didn't let her. Apparently reading Harry Potter was just their own little thing. And Rose loved it.

After Tony had fallen asleep, Rose was sitting in the living room with her dad, a glass of wine in her hand. Pete wasn't exactly an expert when it came to wines but had decided to buy one bottle of red to celebrate Rose's homecoming. Jackie was in the kitchen speaking on the telephone with one of her friends.

Pete glanced to the kitchen making sure Jackie couldn't hear him. "Rose honey, tell me how are you really doing with all of this?" Before Rose managed to open her mouth he continued, "And don't just say you're okay, I can see you're troubled. And so can your mother," he nodded towards the kitchen, "She just doesn't want to admit it."

Rose sighed. After dinner she had started to feel anxious and apparently she wasn't doing that great trying to hide it. "Well, I really am happy to be out of the hospital and home with you guys. I just… I don't know what I'm supposed to do now," she said honestly.

"Is it about John?" Pete asked and put his hand on Rose's shoulder trying to comfort her.

Rose groaned. "No! Well… I mean yes… that too. It's everything. I'm not getting my memories back and I don't know how I'm supposed to go on without knowing anything! But I still want to move forward, I just don't know how. I want to know the next step. I know that going back to school right way isn't the smartest idea, but still I want to aim for something, do something" Rose hid her face to her hands. She had troubles forming her thoughts into words, but she knew her dad would understand her.

Pete sighed. "Rose I know I don't have to tell you to take it easy and focus on getting better because you already know that. But I'm going to tell you to be more merciful to yourself. You don't have to figure out everything right here and now."

Rose didn't say anything, she didn't have to. She knew her dad was right.

"Oh Lord look at the clock, it's almost midnight!" Rose quickly straightened herself and drank last of her win as Jackie rushed in from the kitchen. "I think it's about time we all go to sleep. Sweetheart, I've prepared your old room for you."

As Rose put down the glass, Jackie came to her side supporting her getting up. Rose knew she could walk the stairs just fine as long as she took them slow, but she also knew her mum needed to feel like she was helping. So Rose let her walk her upstairs into her old room.

It was good to see that even though her life felt like a complete mess with all the familiar pieces all over the place, some things hadn't changed. Her room was still exactly how she remembered it, with beautiful blue curtains, grey carpet and her very own bed. The only new thing was a small suitcase which Jackie had filled with items like clothes and books which she had thought Rose would need. She had visited both Rose's own flat and also John's place collecting the most essential stuff. Rose appreciated her mum's work and decided to unpack the suit case in the morning.

After wishing Jackie goodnight Rose quickly changed and jumped on her bed and under the sheets. Oh God, how comfortable a bed could get?! She reached for her phone which was on the small nightstand. She had received one new message. For a second she thought it would be from Christopher, but it was from John, sent only about ten minutes ago. Rose couldn't help feeling a tiny bit sad the text wasn't from Christopher, even though she knew she shouldn't. But on the other hand she wasn't exactly disappointed that the text was from John. _How messed up am I?_ She thought as she read the text.

 _Are you still up?_

Rose laid down on her bed – after weeks in a hospital bed this one really felt like a cloud – and pressed John's name and put the phone on her ear.

"Hello! I didn't wake you up, did I?"

"No, I'm just now getting into bed." Rose yawned. "Pretty tired though."

"Oh, right, sorry I should let you sleep! I just wanted to know how you were doing. I would've visited you today around ten am, but Donna really needed help at the Tardis and when I got to work you had already left." Rose closed her eyes. Thank God Donna had asked John to help, otherwise he would've come around the same time that Christopher had appeared. She rubbed her face with her free hand. How long could she handle the stress with these men?

On the other end of the phone John was going on and on about a patient who had insisted that he hadn't drunk anything before hitting a tree with his car. "… And when I explained that it wasn't possible to get that amount of alcohol in his blood without drinking alcohol he admitted that he had had couple of beers, but 'that's alright because it's not real alcohol'. Anyhow, how're you doing? Everything alright there?"

"Mmm… It's going fine. I mean it's kinda weird to be back home and having mum fussing over me, but it's fine really. Weird but fine," Rose said. And it really was an advancement from previous.

While she was in the hospital she had been physically doing good, but everything about herself had felt wrong. Her hair was longer and slightly darker than she remembered, she had put on a few pounds and she had suddenly been craving for coffee all the time even though she didn't even know she drank coffee. Last weeks had been such a strange adjustment period. She had been uncomfortable in her own skin for weeks so that craziness developing into 'weird but fine' felt like a victory. "How was working in the Tardis? Any hiccups?" she asked.

"Rose, I'm a nationally recognized doctor with multiple degrees and I've been watching Donna and you working there for many, many times. I think I can work out any 'hiccups' while working in a coffee shop."

"Really?"

"Nope, it was an absolute disaster."

For the first time in days Rose forget her own problems and had an honest laugh. "What happened? How did a nationally recognized doctor with multiple degrees manage to screw up in a café?"

Rose could hear a slight annoyance in John's voice. "Well, how is a human being supposed to remember which customer wanted a muffin with frosting and which wanted a cake without frosting and which wanted just tea? It's absurd, no one can remember things like that! Also there might have been a slight problem with the coffee maker."

"I am starting to worry for your patients," Rose teased still giggling. "Poor people don't know that the man they are giving their lives to take care of can't make coffee or remember a few orders."

"Oi! You are a rude woman Rose Tyler," he cried. "Anyhow, Donna told me not to help her ever again. I don't think she wholly appreciated my work today."

An idea popped into Rose's head. She hadn't really thought about it since she couldn't remember doing it before, but it made complete sense.

"So, I take it Donna hasn't hired anyone in my place then?" she asked with sudden excitement. She didn't even let John answer before continuing: "Because if she needs help, I'm ready to work! I mean if she'll have me back of course."

The other end of the line was silent. Rose knew John was thinking of ways to shoot her down.

"And don't you say it's too soon, or that I need to focus on getting better."

"Well, to be fair that is true. You should be focusing on getting better," John said and continued with a darker voice. "Rose, I don't think it's the best idea for you to start working so soon, you don't need the extra stress."

Rose rolled her eyes. "This constant caretaking you and my parents are doing is more of a stress maker than any job. John, I've been going through a lot of physical therapy, I've talked to psychiatrist several times, I have been focusing only on myself for weeks. I need something to do that's not about me. You know, like a normal human being."

"Alright, I see your point. But still, couldn't you think of something else to do? Working in the Tardis is surprisingly exhausting. Always on your feet, running around… I would feel a lot better if you would find a hobby or something. Something that isn't so hard physically."

"Well, I wouldn't feel any better if I did that. And I'm calling Donna tomorrow."

After a few extra arguments from John, Rose decided it was time to say goodnight. He hadn't succeeded changing her mind and for the first time in ages Rose was truly excited. A little scared for sure (who isn't when starting in a new job? Or old job. Christ her life was complicated.) but still excited.

Rose started to drift to the state between awake and asleep. It was kinda strange how (after the first shock of course) easy it was to speak with John. Rose still wasn't exactly sure how she was feeling towards him now, but she could see why they were together despite their differences. Their conversations floated naturally, and it was all very nice.

But was nice enough? Right now it felt more like they were good friends. Rose hadn't dare to bring up the kiss in the hospital and neither had John, God forbid that anything like that had happened again. She knew John loved her and she knew she had loved him too, but neither one of them would talk about moving forward. It was all very much like the game musical chairs. They were dancing around a chair and though it was a nice dance, eventually the music would end and they would have to try to sit on the chair.

Then there was the third player. Rose knew she hadn't really had a relationship with Christopher in years and she shouldn't feel anything romantic towards him. But right now knowing something was not helping her. There was still passion there. Passion that made her heart jump when she saw him. Passion that even after years of not being together made him appear into her hospital room after just one phone call.

Rose hated this situation. She knew that whatever she did at least one person would get hurt.

She turned in her bed and tried to think about her dad's words. She didn't have to figure out everything at once. Just step by step. And the next step would be calling Donna and getting to do something productive with her time.


	8. Doing it for yourself

**Chapter 8: Doing it for yourself**

7.02

 _Don't let her stand for too long, she still has some physical therapy to finish before she's capable to do too much of a physical work_

7.08

 _In fact, if you can keep her sitting down, maybe doing some paperworky stuff that would be great._

7.15

 _Perhaps I should just come and spend a day there? You know just in case._

Donna rolled her eyes and pressed John's name on the screen.

"You are not stepping a foot into the Tardis today," Donna said before John could even greet her at the other end of the line. "I'm going to help Rose out today, but she's a gown-up woman and you are not her dad."

"What?" John squeaked. "Of course I'm not her dad that's just icky! I just want you to remember that in addition of her still physically recovering from the accident, she doesn't remember working in the Tardis, so she might be a bit rusty."

"John," Donna huffed.

"What?"

"It's waitressing. It's not rocket science. She'll do just fine, just let her concentrate on the job, she really needs something to do that's considered normal. And you are gonna let her. So I don't want to see you today, alright?"

"But-"

ALRIGHT, JOHN"

Donna could hear her cousin groaning. "Alright, fine. I won't come. But you'll have to text me every hour or so, just a little update that everything is fine."

"Do you understand that you are acting like complete idiot?" Donna said tiredly.

"Well, yeah," John said in a clear way. "That's why I'm harassing you and not Rose. Can't have her knowing right away how neurotic I can be."

Donna laughed as she put her phone in her purse. It was good to hear John becoming his joking self again. While Rose had been in a coma, he had been a complete stranger. Gone had been his usual perky nature. He had lost some weight and didn't sleep. Donna was pretty sure he hadn't smiled the whole time. Donna knew John loved Rose but she had in real life never seen someone suffering so much from not being with their loved one. She had always thought it to be a little too dramatic and corny when people said that they couldn't live without their significant other, but John had really diminished in front of her eyes. She wasn't delusional, thinking that just because Rose was awake everything would magically return to the same as before, she knew everything was not okay and she knew things were complicated, but she was just happy to have Rose back in their lives.

Donna hadn't made it into a number, because of course John was more upset about Rose's amnesia and he was titled to, but Donna had also missed her friend. She and Rose had grown very close and it had genuinely hurt when she didn't recognize her. So, as she left to work she was excited to introduce Rose to the Tardis all over again.

-:-:-:-:-

"You know, I was really nervous about working here. Not knowing anything about waitressing and so, but it really feels like I've done this before!" Rose smiled to Donna as she was loading up the repaired dishwasher in the kitchen. "I mean I know I've done this before, but I know a lot of stuff that I've done during the last few years, but still none of it feels familiar. This does!"

"Well it promises me and Clara good that you're so excited to load up the dishwasher", Donna smiled back and opened a new coffee packet. Rose had been extremely happy all day long and Donna was glad to see it. She had been worried that this new Rose wouldn't like waitressing but she seemed to be having a good time. And it was remarkable how she was working like she hadn't missed a day. It was almost as if her body remembered where to find the coffee beans and how the cash register operated.

In that moment Donna saw at the corner of her eye someone she had only seen in an old picture of Rose and Mickey's friends, but she knew exactly who he was. She also knew he should not be there. "But seriously you're doing great", she continued moving herself so Rose couldn't see in to the café area from the kitchen. "Do you mind taking out the trash? The trash cans are on the alley."

"Yeah, sure!" Rose said and crabbed the garbage bags.

The second Rose was out the backdoor Donna rushed to the front.

"You!" she motioned towards the only customer sipping the last of his tea. "Get out."

The customer just stared at her and she rolled her eyes. "Yes, you! Get out, now!"

As the customer left mumbling something about awful service, Donna snapped her neck while turning her head to the leather jacketed man standing by the service desk. "What the hell are you doing here?"

"Well I don't like to advice you on your trade, but I feel like your customer service skills could use an update. You see, usually it's traditional to greet customers with 'how may I help you?'", the man said lifting his eyebrows.

"Don't you start with me, I know exactly who you are. The only question is, why the ex of my cousin's girlfriend is lurking here. I already took care of one man who was trying to stalk her today. She doesn't need to see you right now"

Christopher's face dropped. "Oh, you're related to him."

"Yup, bingo, correct answer!" Donna waved her hands dramatically. "And you'd better go now before Rose comes back, she doesn't need you to mess-"

"Christopher!" Donna heard Rose's distressed voice behind her. Damn that girl was fast. Donna felt bad for her. Rose's head was still all over the place, it was her first day back working and she didn't deserve the extra confusion provided by an ex-boyfriend.

"Rose I am so sorry, I tried to make him leave but…" as Donna turned around to face Rose she could see the guilt on her face that made her realize this was not a first time these two had seen each other after Rose had woken up. She didn't look even a little shocked to see the big-eared man, no. Rose looked like a child who had been busted in the act of eating their friend's candy. "…but you're not upset that he's here, you're upset about me seeing him with you," she ended the sentence with a darker tone.

Rose's eyes kept jumping from Donna to Christopher. She looked like a deer in headlights. "I… I… I didn't expect to see you here, I thought… We agreed I would swing by later," she said aiming her words to Christopher.

Donna was getting pissed off. She had always liked Rose. She had become one of her closest friends and Donna didn't like people easily. But John was her family. He was practically her little brother, he had moved to live with her and her gramps at the age of twelve. And she would never, _ever_ , let anyone hurt him, least of all the one person who was holding his heart.

"What the hell are you talking about?" Donna snapped. "Why would you ´swing by´ his place? Rose what are you two doing?"

"Well I just wanted to make sure you remembered your promise," Christopher said ignoring Donna completely. "You've already cancelled twice. You've been out of the hospital over a week now so I wanted to make sure we got the chance to talk… I didn't exactly know you were working for _his_ relative!"

Donna could hear the awful contempt in Christopher's voice on the word his. She also knew she was about to explode out of anger. Apparently Rose saw this too, since she said: "Okay Christopher, we'll talk later alright? Just go now, please!"

Christopher looked like he was going to argue but another begging glance from Rose did the trick. He left without saying anything else, wearing a face Donna could not manage to understand. It was a mix of disappointment, anger and longing. His stupid mournful face just made Donna angrier. The second he was out of the shop Donna turned to Rose.

"Please, explain to me why are you going to swing by your ex's place after work?" Donna was simultaneously surprised and proud how calm she sounded even when on the inside she was filled with flames. She had – multiple times to be honest- been warned about her temper and about the lack of censorship between her brain and her mouth.

At least Rose had the decency to look guilty. To Donna she looked like she was suddenly really uncomfortable in her own body and tried to leave her skin like a snake and just slither away. But Donna was having none of that.

"Go on, explain."

"I… I don't really know what to say…"

"Well if you're going to mess your life all up and break John's heart while doing it, you better come up with something better than 'I don't really know what to say'", Donna screeched behind her teeth. Keep yourself calm, she tried saying to herself.

"What? No! I don't want to hurt anybody!" Rose cried and Donna could hear from her voice that she really meant it. "I'm just… I just don't know how things are supposed to happen," Rose said and sat down by one of the tables. "I don't want to hurt anyone, but I have to talk to Christopher face to face properly. I need to clear everything out."

Donna saw that there were customers coming and quite rudely turned the Open sign on the door right in front of their noses. The couple looked at her frowning and the woman showed her a nasty hand mark. Oh well, a few more lost customers, who really cared?

"What is there to clear out?" Donna asked as she sat down next to Rose. She could see that the young woman was genuinely lost right now. "You two broke up, you moved on, he went on writing, and you met someone new while working in a pretty fantastic coffee shop."

Rose turned her head to Donna and Donna could see her eyes were filled with terror.

"But that's just it! You just listed several major lifechanging moments which I don't remember! I understand that they've happened, but it still doesn't feel like they happened to me but to some other Rose from another time. Don't you see how scary it is to hear all that from someone I don't even know! I mean of course I know that I knew you, I just don't know that I know you now. You know?" Rose sniffed and Donna left out a small laugh.

"Oh honey, I know you're confused about who you are. So I'm gonna tell you," something had clicked inside Donna. Gone was all the anger she had felt only seconds before. She locked her eyes to Rose's hazel ones. "You are a brave young woman who cares about every single person she meets. You are smart, smarter even than you believe. When you love someone you love them fiercely and are prepared to do anything for them.

"But that's not really helpful when it comes to-"

"I'm not done," Donna interrupted. "That's who you are. And that's the most important thing you need to know. To know who you are, before knowing anything else. None of the other things that's been happening matter that much. Forget what I just said, I'm sorry for getting upset with you, I had no right. You don't really know John but you do remember Christopher. And however I'm rooting for my cousin, you have to figure this thing out without any pressure from me, your family or either one of those daft blocks." Donna smiled to Rose.

Donna usually thought of herself to be young-ish -at least by her heart- but sometimes she remembered that she had seen and lived more than these youngsters she hang out with. "So if you have to speak with Christopher to get some peace of mind, then go ahead. Just remember whatever you do, do it for you. Not for anyone else."

Donna could see the relief in Rose's eyes. Perhaps she was happy Donna didn't lecture her after all, or perhaps she really had managed to help her friend a bit.

"Oh come here you," Donna said and pulled Rose into a hug. After a few seconds Donna could feel something wet and warm running down her shoulder and realized Rose was crying. She rocked her from side to side slowly until Rose pulled away and let out a sniffled laugh.

"God, I'm sorry, now you're shirt is all wet," Rose started to wipe the tear strains with a napkin but Donna softly grabbed her wrist.

"Oh it's fine. Little water never harmed anyone," she smiled. "Now how about we continued working before I've lost all the customers?"

-:-:-:-

There was a reason why Rose had promised Christopher she would visit him specifically today after work. It was because she had known nobody would try to reach her. Her parents were in the theatre, Tony had been invited for a sleepover and even John had told her a day earlier that he couldn't see her today since he had a meeting with some professor about possible co-operation between the hospital and the university. While walking towards the familiar street Rose tried to remember the name of the professor. It had been something catchy like professor Pond or professor Jones… Nope neither one. Rose shook her head. Her thoughts were completely out of tune. Tune… Professor Song! That was the one she was looking for.

Rose didn't know how and why a hospital would co-operate with an archaeology department, but the main point was that John was not around and she could go and speak with Christopher without distractions. She had been feeling guilty the whole day, but Donna had eased her mind a bit. She knew she had the right to talk to her ex, but still she had felt bad about lying to John. She also knew that secrecy wasn't the best place to start a relationship, but she just couldn't bring herself to tell John what she was about to do. How would she even have that sort of conversation? 'Hey John, I know you and I are trying to reconcile our thing, but you know my ex-boyfriend whom I remember really well, unlike you? Well, I figured that I should go over his place and talk things through. What things you say? You know, talk through any lingering feelings and stuff like that. So bye!"

Yeah that was not going to happen. She had really meant what she had said to Donna. She didn't want to hurt anyone. Least of all John who had been so good to her. But talking to John about Christopher (or about those lingering feelings towards him she deep down knew she still had) was hurting him. And if she was being completely honest, that would hurt her too. Probably even more than John.

Alright. She was there. Standing at his door. During the walk over there, she had thought she would try to convince herself out of this. But Donna was right. She had to do this for herself. And so, she knocked.


	9. Hurting everyone

**Chapter 9: Hurting everyone**

River Song was a woman not many could challenge. She was sharp, sarcastic and brave. She was not someone who would do her work behind a desk and on the paper. She wanted to go to the archaeological sites herself and feel the time gone by with her own hands.

To be honest, she had not been excited when she had been appointed to take care of the project which aimed for co-operation between the archaeological department of the University and the hospital. Even though the project was interesting, aiming for challenging students and giving them wider perspective during their studies, so students of archaeology could come and see medical students in action during their training and vice versa giving medical students a chance to come and see archaeological students digging up some ancient houses in Scotland. But she was not a paperworkperson and running such a project demanded a certain amount of paperwork.

So, River had been slightly annoyed that she had to take care of the project's development. Until she had met the man pointed to run the project from the hospital's end. And now there was John Smith. An ordinary name for someone who was so extraordinary. He was someone who had passion for his work just as much as she did for hers, and River had never met anyone she could say that about. They had grown closer and closer and River had thought they would soon be going on their first date. Until one day when John had cancelled their meeting because his _girlfriend_ had been in an accident.

Bugger.

Well, to be honest, there was a chance she'd been reading too much into things. After finding out about John's girlfriend she had talked to a few of their shared acquaintances from the hospital and apparently what River had thought to be flirting was just general niceness from John. And the worst part was that she wasn't the only one. She had found out about this when she had stopped at an employee cafeteria to talk to John's boss Mr. Brooks, after which she had had a conversation with one of the nurses.

"So, you are the one who's working with doctor Smith," nurse Hame had said with a cloudy voice which made River think she might be popping some of her patient's pills. "I suppose your project is postponed now that his girlfriend was in an accident?"

"Yes, I suppose." River had measured Hame with her eyes before deciding to continue. "I've been working with doctor Smith for a few weeks now and I had no idea he even had a girlfriend. Not that it is any of my business, but is the relationship new?"

Hame chuckled. "No, they've been together over a year now. But you're not the first one to be surprised by that."

"Oh?"

"Well… Doctor Smith seems to be completely unaware how charming and flirtatious he can be. And it's not like it's common to greet people with 'How do you do, I have a girlfriend, now let's open this person's chest'. So, there have been several female doctors and nurses – probably a few male ones too – who've thought he's been flirting with them only to find out later that he has a girlfriend." Hame had said with a twinkle in her eyes. "So, don't worry, you're not the only one who's been thinking they're halfway into a relationship with him."

River knew that had she been any other woman she would've blushed all over. And that was what Hame was looking for. But she was River Song. And she did not blush. Ever. Instead her mouth turned into a tight line. "Right."

After that conversation River had let it go. She had sent a few texts to John here and there, asking how he was doing. She was just trying to be polite, nothing wrong with that. And then a few days ago he had called her, ready to continue the project.

As she was walking home, she felt the familiar butterflies in her stomach and she did feel a bit guilty about them. The meeting had been great, she'd catched John up with some of her ideas and he had contributed his and the hospital's perspective on them. River hadn't meant to pry about his personal life, but she had felt that it would be impolite not to ask how his girlfriend was doing. The whole amnesia thing was nuts, but what really had got River's eye was the fact that there was something different about John's essence after she had brought Rose up. He was still as charming as ever, but now there was something worrisome in his eyes. And even though she was feeling guilty, she was slightly happy about the thought that everything was not fine in the paradise.

-:-:-:-:-

 **Two weeks later**

"So, in minimum it's for a year and I'm going to work as a columnist for the paper, writing about the French way of living, trying to allure British people into vacationing in France. What do you think?" Christopher asked while sipping his coffee.

For a few seconds Rose just stared the man in front of him.

"What do I think? What do I think? For real? We agreed- _we agreed_ that we were friends, nothing more. And it was nice! And now you suddenly ask me to go to Paris with you? For a year?!" Rose snapped. Christopher had thrown the idea completely out of the bush and Rose had hard time understanding why he was saying this.

"Do you always kiss your friends like you did me last night?"

Rose blushed. She didn't know what to say. She had screwed up last night and she knew it. Two weeks ago, she and Christopher had made an agreement. They would be friends and he would respect the fact that Rose was with John. Rose knew this wasn't fair, not when Christopher's feelings for her were so obvious. But she still wanted him in her life and he didn't want to lose her either, so they had come into a compromise. They would see each other, talk to each other and laugh with each other. But it was all going to be purely platonic.

Until yesterday.

Rose had been frustrated with John. And herself. And herself and John together. It had been over a month since Rose and John had got back together but to Rose it felt like they were worlds apart. It wasn't all bad, they had fun together and their conversations flew naturally. Except when it came down talking about their relationship or its future. Usually John would try to bring the subject up and Rose would just avoid it. She herself didn't even wholly understand why she couldn't bring herself into talking about their relationship. Perhaps it was the fact that she wasn't ready to admit there was one?

They hadn't done anything physical after Rose's release from the hospital and it felt like they were just staying in one place, that place being emotionally and physically very confusing. John had also been very busy at work; the project was stressing him out. And Rose had started to feel their relationship was more like a friendship than anything else.

And then yesterday she had gone to visit Christopher. They had eaten a lovely meal (apparently Christopher had learnt to cook after their break up) and drunk wine. Too much wine. And Rose had confessed how she longed for a physical connection and she had made a very, very, poor decision to kiss Christopher. She had left right after that, not letting anything more to happen, but now the cat was already out of the bag. The cat being the fact that she still felt something for him. And the bag being a complete denial of the cat's existence.

At home Rose had felt like the worst human being on the planet. John had tried to call her but she couldn't answer. She had kept mentally whipping herself, swearing nothing like that would ever happen again. But still she had ended up in a Café with Christopher the very next day. Not the Tardis obviously, even though Donna was very understanding with Rose's situation, Rose doubted even she would accept her hanging out with Christopher so much.

And now… now he was asking her to go to Paris with him. Paris. Also known as the most romantic city in the world.

"You're not being fair. You know just as much as I that kiss was a drunken mistake. We agreed we'd be fr-"

"Friends. Yes, we did," Christopher interrupted Rose. He was hunching over the table closer to Rose. "And I honoured that decision. It wasn't me who started complaining about him yesterday. It wasn't me who started the kiss." His voice was passionate, almost angry. "You're calling me unfair? This thing that you're doing to me and John is far beyond unfair. You can't keep us like puppets, around and ready to play whenever you please."

Rose could feel her eyes starting to tear up. "Christopher I'm sorry I didn't mean to-"

Christopher sighed and stood up. "Listen Rose, I'm going to make this easy for you. I'm leaving London in a few weeks, a week before Christmas in the latest. Nothing would make me happier than you deciding to come with me. But if you do, I need you to be with me one hundred percent. None of this 'we're just friends' -thing. And if you decide not to come, I'm asking you, don't contact me after I've left. I need to move on and let you go and I can't do that with you calling after me." Christopher had a little pause before continuing. "Look, I thought nothing was worse than losing you, but this weird in-between-thing -almost having you with me but not completely- is far worse."

Without saying anything more he kissed Rose's wet cheek and walked out of the café. Rose stayed sitting there for ten minutes, her mind completely blank, before she was joined by another man. She didn't recognize the elderly man sitting opposite to her, but he seemed to know her. A feeling she was used to. How weird was it that nowadays that was more or less a standard whenever she met "new" people?

"I thought you might need a moment after that big-eared fellow left but I really need to talk to you," the man said while taking his knit cap off his head.

"I'm sorry sir, but I think I've had enough of 'we need to talk'-talks for the rest of my life." Rose said with a hoarse voice. She didn't really care who the man was, she was not even remotely done processing her conversation with Christopher. The man seemed sweet but Rose just didn't think she had the strength to deal with whatever he had to say.

"Why in heaven's name would you call me a sir?" the man baffled. "I am no sir. Just Wilfred."

Rose now realized why he seemed familiar. John had talked about this man a lot and she had even seen him in a few photographs. "Your Donna and John's grandfather."

"That I am. I've been watching you but you were talking with that leather-jacked fellow and I didn't want to interrupt. Are you alright? You seemed to be arguing."

Normally Rose would be alarmed when a practically stranger told her he'd been following her for a while, but there was something about Wilfred that made Rose know -not believe, know- that he would never, _ever_ , mean anything harmful to anyone.

"I'm okay, thank you for asking." Rose tried to smile but right now lifting the corners of her mouth was too hard.

Wilfred looked at her with sad eyes. "No, you're not okay sweetheart. None who's been through what you've been through would be. But I'm… I'm afraid I'm not here to offer any help to your worries and troubles."

"Oh." Rose was surprised. After her release from the hospital, everyone was trying to tell her how sorry they were and offering their help. "Why did you want to talk to me then?"

"I came here to tell you something about John. I've been watching him and you from distance for some time now and I think I have to make some things clear to you."

"I.. I don't k now if that's such a good idea…" Rose didn't need this. She was feeling bad enough after Christopher's words and so she started to get up from the chair, trying to leave.

"No please listen to me," Wilfred pleaded and Rose sat back down. Something told her that she would never refuse anything this man said. "It's just… I want what's best for him. I know some people think it's weird since he's not really my grandson but I'm always going to look out for him. I don't know if he's told you that I'm not really related to him?"

Rose didn't know that. "But I thought you were his and Donna's gramps?"

"Well that's true. I'm Donna's mother's father. But John is cousin to Donna through her father and so I'm not blood relative," he had a little pause before continuing. "But don't think I don't love him like he is my blood, he's been living with me and Donna since he was twelve and to anyone who wonders I am his gramps."

"You've lost me." Rose wasn't sure what Wilfred was trying to tell her but she was getting curious.

"Oh… Right of course. It's hard because you used to know these things… Well the thing is that when John was nine his father passed away. It was cancer, very aggressive one too. Three years later his mother and Donna's parents died in a car crash. I of course took Donna under my wing but John didn't have any relatives alive that would take him… Because I'm not a close relative it took some time to get John's situation taken care of and to get the custody of the boy, a lot of paperwar and lawyers and all sorts of things…" Wilfred waved his hand as if marking he didn't quite understand all of it himself. "You see, we -me and John that is- had only met two or three times before the crash so it wasn't an easy adjustment even after the papers were clear. But the first moment he called me gramps I knew I made the right decision taking him in."

Rose didn't know what to say. She had had no idea, she hadn't read anything about John's past in her diary and he had not told her any of it. Rose couldn't stop staring at Wilfred. What an exceptional man he had to be. Taking in a pre-teen boy right after losing your own daughter and her husband and after ending up with their teenager Donna, who -to be fair- couldn't have been an easy case… And yet Wilfred took care of him, just because the boy didn't have anybody else.

"I didn't know…" Rose swallowed. "That's horrible, I'm sorry your family has gone through so much. But may I ask why you're telling me this?"

"Oh right, yes yes… You see the thing is that going through all that tragedy at such a young age, it leaves a mark on you. John is charismatic and funny and might seem like a care-free bloke, but the fact is that he doesn't dare to love like most people. Losing his father and then his mother and then the unstable and unsure conditions before moving into our home… It has scarred him in a way that he is afraid to love because he never knows when might lose it."

Wilfred stopped for a second as if to make sure Rose understood what he was saying. Rose nodded encouraging him to continue.

"But when he loves somebody, he loves big. He gives all of himself to those people he cares for. But in a relationship, he needs someone who's willing to do the same, to give all of their heart to him in return. You used to do that." Rose could feel herself blushing. Wilfred clearly saw the shame and embarrassment on her face since he quickly continued. "I'm not trying to judge you, heaven knows you've had enough on your plate. But even if he's a grown man John's still my boy and I need to protect him and his heart. I'm sorry to say this but you're not doing it anymore."

"I don't want to hurt him." Rose whispered.

"I know. But This thing between you two is hurting him more every day. If you can't love him the way he loves you, you shouldn't try to hold on. And he won't leave you if there is even a tiniest hope he's getting you back the way you were. But at the same time this is eating him inside. It needs to be you who ends things." Wilfred took Rose's hand in his and pleaded. "Please, do it for my boy."

Rose realized she didn't know Wilfred but there was something about him that seeing him sad made Rose feel his pain. She didn't know him but somehow, she knew that this man had the purest heart she had ever seen.

-:-:-:-:-

In the evening Rose was sitting alone on her bed. She had just finished the second Harry Potter book with Tony, and after promising that they'd start the third one right the next day, he had finally fallen asleep. Rose had decided that after Christmas she would move back into her old apartment but until then she was still stationed at her parent's house, which was fine, she had already gotten used to her family fuzzing around her.

Well, it would be fine but her mum had the very inconvenient habit of snooping around things Rose wasn't ready to talk about, and this night hadn't been an exception. The moment Rose had stepped inside the house Jackie had noticed that Rose was upset and tried to grill her into telling what was wrong. But Rose didn't exactly want to talk about her problems with John and Christopher with her mother. No, she needed someone who wasn't involved in the situation, who wouldn't take any sides.

As she sat on her bed she dialled the number of the one person that dropped into her head. Someone who knew her situation but wasn't exactly involved in it.

"Hello stranger!" Martha said happily on the other end of the line. "I was starting to think you had forgotten about me."

Rose could feel a sad smile rising on her face. "Nope. I'm sorry I haven't been in touch lately. But Martha I… I have a problem and I need your opinion. You're pretty much the only neutral friend I've got."

"Okay, sounds serious. Tell me."

And Rose told her everything. She told about the years she had spent with Christopher and how she knew there was still something there. About the diary and photos and the enormous love she knew John felt for her and how she really enjoyed his company. About Donna's words few weeks back. About Wilfred's words couple hours ago. She talked for a good ten minutes while Martha's parts in the conversation were mostly little gasps and encouragements for her to go on.

"… and now I just don't know what to do with them. Please help me?" Rose ended her monologue. Martha was quiet for a while and for a moment Rose thought she had hung up on her. "Hello?"

"Rose can I be honest with you?" Martha finally answered.

"What? Yes, yes of course that is what I want!"

"You can't go on the way you are now- it's just not fair to anyone. You keep giving them both hope but are not coming through to either of them." Martha said. "I'm sorry to say this Rose, but you're being selfish."

Rose felt like she had just slapped her. "That's not fair! I'm trying to find a way through this without hurting anyone!"

"And in process you're hurting everyone, including yourself!" Rose could hear Martha huffing as if she was trying to prevent her voice from getting angry. "Look Rose, you said I should be honest. Well, my honest opinion is that you should be seeing neither of them. Stop this sick cycle you're in and focus on yourself for a while. You don't need to be in a relationship right now."

Now it was Rose's turn to stay quiet as Martha continued softly. "Rose I'm not saying these things to be mean. I know you don't want to hurt or anger anyone but trust me, if you let this thing evolve into a bigger mess, it's going to feel far worse than ending things once and for all right now."

Rose didn't know how to make coherent sentences out of her thoughts. On one hand, she wanted to accuse Martha of being too cruel but on the other (far stronger) hand she knew Martha was right. Just as Christopher had been right earlier. And Wilfred. She couldn't keep dragging Christopher and John with her if she couldn't give them what they deserved.

"I think you're right." she said with the smallest of voices and -quite rudely- hung up on Martha.

She knew now what she would do. For too long this situation had been haunting her thoughts and everything she did. It was time to stop. As she closed her eyes and pressed her head on her pillow she promised herself that tomorrow the same time she would've cleared things with both men. She would tell Christopher to go to Paris without her. And she would end things with John.

As she turned she realized she had no idea which one would be harder.


	10. A bigger bottle

I just want to apologize for not giving both wonderful men their break up scene. I just felt it would've ended up being too repetitive, so unfortunately only one of them gets to have the spotlight!

 **Chapter 10: Bigger bottle**

She knew this day was going to be though. Telling Christopher she wasn't going to go with him to Paris had been painful to say the least. To both of them. She had texted him late last night asking if he could come to the park near Rose's parent's house to talk. When Rose had come to the park, he had looked so hopeful and optimistic. For a second Rose had wished that she was a pathetic person who would break a man's heart via a text message. But no, she was a grown woman and wouldn't hide from these things. Well, at least she refused to hide from them anymore.

So, even though it had killed her, she had crushed Christopher's desires of a happy relationship with her. Thankfully he was a grown up too and understood when Rose explained that she needed to be alone. Actually, Christopher took the news way better then Rose had thought. But it had still hurt when he had asked her to never contact him again. Ever.

And so, now she was behind John's door getting ready to do the same to him as well. For some reason she almost couldn't bring herself to come here, even though she had promised herself she would be a single woman by the end of the evening. But it felt unfair to break John's heart. On some level Christopher had known that she might refuse to be with him. But John wouldn't see it coming. And to make things even worse he had done nothing wrong! In the contrary, he had done everything right. He had been understanding and kind and helpful. Rose rubbed her face. It would be so much easier if John was an asshole.

But Rose knew she had to do this. She needed to be alone for now. Well, not alone alone of course, she had her family and friends with her. She just couldn't do relationships before she learned to have one with herself again.

And so, she knocked.

"Hang on, hang on! Just a moment!" she heard him yelling from the inside. As he opened the door he wore a wide grin on his face which made Rose's insides feel like they were about to jump out through her mouth. This wasn't going to be just hard. This was going to be awful.

John was having a phone on one ear and motioned Rose to come inside and sit down by the dinner table. As she did, she glanced around. John's apartment was beautiful. Although it was very spacious -far bigger on the inside than she had originally thought- it still had a warm atmosphere. From her diary Rose new that she had helped John re-organize his apartment about six months back. Apparently she had helped him choose new rugs and even some furniture. On the walls there were several photographs of John's family and friends, Rose could spot some familiar faces in them. Donna and Wilfred smiled in several and she also found Mickey and Jack goofing around in a few. But in so many of them she could see herself smiling happily with John, some where she was being hugged by John and even one where they were having an old fashioned and passionate bend kiss. The photos of herself so happy did not make her feel any better right now.

"River, I got to go, Rose came over. But we're still up for tomorrow right?" A slight pause as he listened the answer on the other end of the phone. "Yup, four o'clock sounds good. We can go over the participants from the medical students. There were some hiccups there but I got them solved last night, it was something to do with tickets and yadda, yadda, yadda. It's not important, I'll see you tomorrow. Good night!"

As he hung up the phone he sat down next to Rose. "I didn't know you were coming to visit. Would you like some tea?" without even waiting for an answer John proceeded to the kitchen. "It's weird that you haven't been here after… Well, you know. Where did you get the address?" he hollered from the kitchen.

"From Donna." Rose mumbled. She had actually gone to the Tardis in the afternoon to resign, since she couldn't imagine Donna would want her around after what she was about to do to John. But Donna had again surprised her and made clear that she was hired because she was a good and efficient worker, not because she was John's girlfriend. She had admitted that things might be a little awkward for a while, but she would not accept Rose's resignation, which Rose was grateful for. She really enjoyed working in the Tardis.

"So…" as John brought the tea in front of her and sat down, Rose lost all her courage. How was she going to do this? She needed some time to organize her words so she continued avoiding "That was professor Song, right? How is she? Everything okay with the project?"

"Oh yes, yes! Finally everything is going smoothly. Yesterday we finally got the final permits for the archaeological site. We're heading to Scotland in four weeks, right after Christmas." John dragged his chair closer to Rose and took her hand in his. "I was actually going to come see you about it tomorrow after work. I was thinking that if you wanted, you could come with me."

At first Rose didn't understand what he was saying. Then the words hit in. What was it with men asking her to leave England lately?

"You mean… To Scotland?"

"Well yeah. I thought it might be a good step forward. A little trip. Obviously much of my time would go with the students but that's mostly in the mornings and a little bit in the afternoon and because you anyways sleep till noon it would only be a couple of hours that you'd have to spend alone. What do you think?"

Why, oh _why_ did John had to look so hopeful and all puppy-eyed? Rose released a long breath she hadn't realized she was holding.

"I… I'm sorry John but we need to talk."

"Well that's what we're doing. Talking. Right now."

"No, please don't be silly now. Please just listen to me for a second. I just wanted to say that you've been amazing. This has been the hardest time of my life and you've really helped me a lot. You're very charming and kind and you've done so much more than anyone could ask for. No, please listen to me," she said when she saw a goofy grin appearing on John's face. She could not bear that now when she was about to shoot his hopes down. "Like I said, you are phenomenal. But the thing is… You see the thing that I need to talk about… Um… So, the thing…"

"Rose," John interrupted. "What's the thing?"

"I can't be with you anymore."

There was a silence that seemed to go on for forever. The most screaming silence Rose had ever experienced. For a second she thought John hadn't heard her but finally he answered with a dark voice.

"Is it because of Christopher?"

That came out of nowhere. How did John even know to doubt Christopher would be a reason for this?

"Wait what?" Rose asked almost innocently. But she could feel her traitor eyes popping out from their sockets telling on her. John let go of her hand.

"Have your little moments with him persuaded you to think that he's better for you?" John's voice was turning cold. So much colder than Rose had even thought possible. He stood up and took a few steps back from the table as though Rose might stab him.

"You knew that I've been seeing him?"

"Of course I knew! I'm not stupid, you kept making these dumb excuses when you weren't home or answering my calls, saying you were at work when I for a fact knew that not to be true, seeing a few phone calls on your phone from him when I checked it for time… But I thought it was just to make your head clear. To give yourself a closer or something, I don't know. I didn't want to know. But I most certainly didn't want to believe that you would actually switch me for him like this." He started pacing around the room.

"I'm not doing anything like that! He's leaving London to go to Paris and I just told him that I wasn't coming with him!" Rose could hear her own voice changing into a thin and desperate peeping. Why couldn't John try to understand? Christopher had taken it so well.

"Well that's good. That's great. What's the problem then? Do you still love him even if you're not going with him? Is that why you're doing this, you still love him, but decided to stay with your family and now you're just breaking up with me because you realized you don't want the second best?!"

"No I don't love him but I don't love you either!" Rose yelled. "You are trying to keep up this fantasy world where nothing is wrong, where I'm still happily in love with you, but I'm not. I'm sorry John but I don't see any version out there where we could ever make this work when you still love me like I used to be. Unfortunately that girl is no longer here! And I can't have you following me around like a… like a dog, trying to make me fall in love with you even though I'm still trying to figure out who I am!"

John stopped his pacing. He stopped moving altogether. Rose remembered the moment she had first seen John at the hospital when she had woken up and denied knowing him. How something had broken in his eyes. Right now there was no breaking. His eyes were quite the contrary building up with pain and hurt and sorrow and Rose couldn't keep looking at him. She decided to stare at her hands instead.

"Why now. Why did you wait for so long to do this, why did you drag me along making me believe there was something here to repair? I started dozens of conversations wondering about this relationship's heading," John's voice was starting to shake, Rose wasn't sure if it was rage or sorrow but she was having hard time listening to it. "Anytime you could've just said 'John, I don't think this is working out' but you never did! Instead you've been playing this game for months! What the hell is wrong with you?!"

Rose didn't know what to say. Se wish she had an explanation, something to justify her doings. But she didn't.

"I don't know. I'm sorry but I just don't know. I just couldn't bring myself to do this earlier even though now I know I should've. I don't have any better answer to give to you."

"Get out." John's voice was so cold and angry Rose didn't know how to react. John turned his back to her. "Just… get out Rose."

"John, I am sor-"

"GET OUT!" John screamed in a way that made Rose grab her bag and run through the door. And she kept running out of the building.

-:-:-:-:-

Rose found herself behind another door. But unlike John's, this one she knew very well. When Mickey answered the knock, he didn't even have a chance to say hello when Rose was already hugging her oldest friend. Thank God Mickey hugged her back just as tightly.

"Rose I'm so sorry," Mickey said as he was half hugging and half dragging Rose inside his flat. As Rose let go she realized she was shaking. Mickey motioned her to sit down on his sofa, the same grey sofa on which Rose had spent endless amount of movie nights. That was a weirdly comforting thought. "Christopher called me earlier and told me what happened. He was kinda upset, I had to convince him for ten minutes before he believed that I didn't know anything of your plans."

"I'm sorry," Rose sobbed as Mickey sat next to her. "Do you hate me as well?"

"What no, of course I don't hate you!" Mickey huffed as if the idea was outrageous and put his arm around Rose. She snuggled against him and was grateful for the fact that some things never changed. One of those things being that just sitting with her friend made everything feel a little less horrible. "I could never hate you. I'm just sad for my friends. For all of you. Since I suppose John's not in good shape either?"

Rose shook her head. "No, I just got out of his apartment. He was so angry and disappointed in me. Not that I could blame him."

Rose realized she was still shaking after the events and as she reached for the blanket behind her she happened to glance out of the window. It was already dark outside. Rose realized she had no idea what time it was so she automatically reached for Mickey's mobile which was laying on the sofa table. While pushing the button on the side to make the phone light up she noticed something strange on it.

"Mickey, why do you have a picture of yourself and Martha as a wallpaper on your phone?"

Mickey quickly grabbed his phone from Rose but realized there was no point in lying to her. He rubbed his neck clearly uncomfortable and Rose could feel her own eyebrows rising.

"Yeah, well… I suppose it's time to bring you into the loop with what's going on in my life as well. Well, the thing is that I've kinda been seeing Martha for some time now… Asked her out a few days before you got out of the hospital actually."

"What?! How come I didn't know about this?" Rose was so shocked that for a moment she forgot all her own worries. She had had no idea there was something going on between Mickey and Martha. Although now when she started to think about it, Mickey had visited her more and more during the end of her hospital stay. And quite often Martha had lingered in her room when Mickey was visiting, laughing at his jokes and practically ignoring Rose. How could she had been so blind?

Mickey grinned "We decided to keep low profile about this, just to see if it was going to work out. So we agreed not to tell anyone. Especially you since… you know… I _think_ someone might suggest that you've had some other things to think about."

Rose laughed. She was pretty sure it was the first time she had smiled the whole day. "But still I can't believe I didn't know about his! I just talked to Martha last night and she gave nothing away." Rose shook her head. She couldn't believe she hadn't realized that since she had been so wrapped up in her own confusing relationship mess, she had had no idea what was going on in the lives of her friends.

"You know what? I have been a crappy friend ever since I woke up. Now we are going to open one of the wine bottles you keep for a rainy day and talk about your life for an hour. And after that we are going to call Jack over here, open another bottle and he's going to tell me what he's been up to."

"You are intentionally going to call Jack Harkness and let him talk about himself freely?" Mickey raised his eyebrows. "I think we're going to need a bigger bottle."

Again Rose laughed. She still had no idea about her future. She was still feeling extremely guilty and hurt over Christopher and John. Things were most definitely not okay, but for the first time in a very long time she had a feeling that someday they might be.


	11. 11: Moving forward

**Chapter 11: Moving forward…**

"Honey stop waving that stick around, we don't want you to poke anyone's eye out," Jackie yelled after Tony almost hit Mickey in the head with the magic wand Santa Claus had brought him. Rose giggled when Tony, as a protest to his mother's orders, decided to start hitting his own head instead. Tony was her little brother and she loved him dearly, but Rose had to admit that even for a four-year-old he was not the sharpest pencil in a pencil case.

"You mental little boy! Stop laughing Rose, you're encouraging him! Tony give me that stick right now!" But alas Tony just ran out of the living room still hitting his head with the wand. Jackie went after him, leering towards Pete and mumbling how she always had to be the one running after their rascal, while everyone else in the room tried to hold back their laughter.

"More wine for anyone?" Pete asked lifting the second bottle.

Rose grinned as she raised her class.

Rose loved Christmas. She loved the carols, ornaments, food and the overall atmosphere. And for this particular Christmas she had managed to achieve something a month ago she wouldn't have thought to be possible: a restful mind and heart. She was sitting in the Tyler living room with her parents, her brother, Mickey and -somewhat to her surprise- also Martha, who apparently wasn't that close to her family. After hearing this, Jackie had insisted that Martha joined them. Mickey had spent his Christmases with the Tyler's ever since he'd been eighteen and his grandmother had passed away.

Mickey had actually given Rose the best present by announcing that he would be staying in London permanently instead of heading to God-knows-where after the holidays. Apparently, the army wanted more people in the city, promoting their work and Mickey had volunteered.

"It really is a new challenge. I get to meet a lot of new people, run projects and find new recruits. It's going to be exciting and… and… Okay, mostly it is going to be paperwork, but even that is a nice change of pace. I need a break from Africa." Mickey said while pouring what remained in his wine glass down his throat. Martha sat down by his legs and leaned on them.

When you came to think of it, Rose rarely even knew where Mickey was located when he was on a mission. It was all very secretive and often he didn't have any way of letting even the closest people to him know he was okay. Before Rose had accepted the fact that she could not be in contact with her best friend, but now after her accident she had been reluctant to even think about Mickey's job. Being a soldier was dangerous and one could never know which day would be the last one. Rose had already lost so much -three years of her life to be exact- she wasn't ready to think about possibly losing Mickey until they were both old and grey, living in the same retirement house.

"And am I glad about that," Martha said while sitting on the floor leaning on Mickey's legs letting him play with her hair. Mickey looked at her and chuckled and Rose smiled when she saw the warmth and love in his eyes. She was so happy for him – for both of them. They deserved the best.

But as she watched Mickey and Martha looking each other almost overly sweetly, she felt the familiar sting of guilt in her chest. You see, Mickey's eyes reminded her of someone else´s warm brown eyes that had turned so cold because of her. Yes, she knew she had made the right decision dumbing John, she didn't love him, but she still felt guilty over it. Apparently after Rose, Mickey and Jack's wine-and-catch-up-night together, the boys had spent two highly drunken nights with John at Jack's cottage an hour away from the city.

"To be honest I don't remember that much about those two days," Mickey had told her after their trip. "but I think John blew off most of the steam during our little cottage weekend. He's not happy, but he'll get over it. John's a big boy. And if it helps, he really does understand your reasonings, he just doesn't really agree with them."

Rose shook her head and focused her eyes on Jackie, who had finally gained the possession of Tony's toy wand, throwing the stick on top of the book shelf while Pete was doing his best – although a bit tipsy – version of 'Come all ye faithful'. Mickey was right, John was a grown man, he would get over this. It's not like it was his first break-up. So instead of thinking about him, Rose gave all her focus to her family and friends.

 **Two weeks later somewhere in Scotland**

John knew he hadn't been the best of company after Rose had ended things. He had been keeping it together in front of the patients and colleagues but when he was home alone, he would start sulking. After he had thrown Rose out of his apartment he had spent the next weekend at Jack Harkness' cottage more or less drunk the whole time, complaining about life until he got a grip of himself. It wasn't like he didn't get why Rose had come to the conclusion she had, but he had come to a conclusion of his own.

It wasn't fair.

He could not wrap his head around the fact that he and Rose were done just like that. Usually when there was a break up, feelings of love and affection would slowly fade away, not end up in a completely sudden stop. No, he was lying to himself, it hadn't been a complete surprise. If he was honest, there had been a slight fear at the back of his head that this might happen ever since she had woken up, but he had pushed it further away, thinking that this was just a little bump in the road before they would reach their happily ever after. Clearly, he had been wrong.

So yes, he had been hurting a lot recently but right now, after over four weeks of sulking, as he found himself standing in front of a motel in a small town in Scotland, he was genuinely smiling out of excitement for the first time in over a month.

Even though at first, he had been a little reluctant taking on this co-working project with the archaeological students, John had grown more and more excited over it as the project moved forward. Planning this trip with River had been hard and exhausting, he had made dozens of phone calls and written probably hundreds of e-mails, but after all that hard work, it had been more than rewarding seeing the excitement in the eyes of the students as they finally stood foot in Scotland.

He and River had actually arrived a few days before the students just to make sure everything was ready and functional. And thank God for that, because even though he had double-checked everything, the motel had mixed up their reservation and they had booked four rooms too little, so the first day John and River had been running around town trying to find a place for the twelve students which currently didn't have beds to sleep in. River had proven out to be a hard negotiator, and so she had managed to secure rooms for the students only a mile away from the motel the rest of them were staying, and had their original motel paying for those extra rooms.

John felt truly blessed that River had been the one assigned for this project with him. She was headstrong, loyal and truly a funny woman. And he had to admit that she was also rather attractive with her crazy curly hair reflecting her wild personality.

Since the students had that Friday night free as well, he and River had decided to get wild and instead of eating some very suspicious-looking soup at the motel, they would go out for a dinner and maybe even for a few drinks afterwards. And as he saw River stepping out the motel door to meet him he knew there was still life after Rose.

At dinner they were going through some crazy student/patient stories. She told him how one young fellow had mistaken archaeology for astronomy and hadn't said anything until the third lecture, wondering how any of River's teaching included into the solar system. John told her about one of his patients with a skull fracture. Poor guy had been hit by a tea cattle by his wife because he had intentionally missed his mother-in-law's visit without telling his wife.

"To be fair, I kinda understood the wife, the husband was having an extended weekend in Spain while she was left explaining her mother that her husband was on a 'business trip'. A business trip which apparently included a lot of golf-playing and bar hopping with his friends," John said while River wiped the tears of laughter from her eyes.

"Well, to be fair to the husband, mother-in-laws can be seriously terrifying!" she giggled.

"Tell me about it. I will never forget the first time I met Rose's mum. Jackie gave me a fifth degree. I'm telling you, nothing has ever scared me as much as that woman in her pink tracksuit."

"Oh, no!" River laughed. And John realized this was the first time after their breakup when saying Rose's name didn't hurt. Well, no that was a lie, he could definitely feel something. But it only stung a little. In a way that was very much bearable.

They had great time talking. When River suggested a walk after they had finished their third drinks John happily accepted. He was never to decline a good company. Donna always said he had a problem letting people in, but he could really see himself and River becoming great friends and maybe as time went by, they could become even something more.


	12. 12: and back again

What? Two chapters in one day? It's so unlike me! But since it's been SO LONG since the latest update I thought that I'd better upload two, since these have been sitting on my laptop for a while. Huge thanks to everyone who's reading this, you guys are amazing!

 **Chapter 12: … and back again**

Six months. Rose stared at the calendar on the wall of a flat which was half empty, only moving boxes waiting to be unboxed. Six months. It was early March and that meant it had been six months since the accident. She could not believe it had already been so long, it felt more like a few weeks. Although when she came to think of it, a lot had happened during those six months. She had lost her memory and had to learn stuff about herself she did not feel comfortable with. She had moved back in with her parents and then, after Christmas, into her own apartment again. She had been in a love triangle which had caused her more stress than any sort of amnesia.

"What are you looking at and why is there not a box in your hands?" a sharp voice brought Rose's thoughts back to the half empty flat.

As she turned she could see Clara dropping another brown box on the floor. Rose smiled as she watched the brunette dusting her skirt off.

Clara Oswald had been the first friend she had made after the accident. Since Donna had hired Clara only a week before the crash, Rose had only met her a few times before ending up in a hospital. Not enough to build a friendship, barely even an acquaintance. But after Rose had started to work in the Tardis again, they had grown close. Clara was grounded and clever, and she had a sharp wit, which knew no mercy.

Making a new friend, after the whole amnesia drama had been completely consuming her life, felt like an important milestone for Rose. It felt like she was finally moving on in her life instead of just trying to figure out where she had been and with who.

"Just the calendar, can't believe it has been six months," Rose said and started to help Clara unbox the latest of the brown boxes, this one containing paintings and pictures. Rose had promised to help Clara and her boyfriend Danny in their move into their first shared flat the day before, a promise which after the sixth box didn't sound as good as it had before.

"I can't even imagine," Clara said as she started trying to find suitable places for the pictures on the empty walls. "I must say I admire you, if that had happened to me, I don't know if I'd been capable of moving on without a few nervous breakdowns."

"Oh, believe me, those breakdowns were near more than a few times. Trust me the first-"

"Clara seriously, you are _not_ starting to decorate before we've carried all the stuff from the van inside!" Danny had suddenly appeared on the doorway carrying a very heavy looking chair. Claire just shrugged and hurried to help her boyfriend with the furniture.

"Just wanted to start making this place look like home."

"That's nice, but could we do that after the carrying part? You know the van is rented, it will be more expensive the longer the unloading takes."

"Ugh. You're no fun."

"Let's be fun after the van is empty," Danny said, and so the trio went back to the street.

After another half a dozen up-and-down -runs, Rose put down the last box. She could feel the strained atmosphere between Clara and Danny, caused by the upcoming battle about decoration, and decided it was time to go. "I think I better get going, I have to be in the Tardis in a half an hour," That was actually a little white lie, she didn't have to go to the café until one hour. But she was not about to stay with Danny and Clara while they started to wonder which chair should go where and which carpet to use. Rose knew Danny and Clara were really happy together, but their way of communication seemed often to be half talking and half arguing.

"Thanks Rose for all the help, say my love to Donna," Clara said as she dug into the picture/painting box again.

If Rose had known what would wait for her in the Tardis, she probably would've waited it out, but because of Clara and Danny's moving rumble, she entered the coffee shop 45 minutes earlier than usual. And that is why she found herself facing John Smith for the first time in about three months.

The tension could have been cut with a knife. Rose was stuck in the doorway unaware what to say and apparently so was John, who was standing by the counter wearing a blue suit and looking awkward. Encountering an ex for the first time after the break up was always awkward, even without the drama there had been between Rose and John. As she stood there paralyzed Rose managed to register that John wasn't alone, he was with a curly haired woman whose eyes kept looking Rose up and down like she was a statue the woman was supposed to value for an auction.

"Rose! You are early! Why are you early?" Donna hollered behind the counter. Rose was grateful for the distraction and she turned her gaze to the redhead.

"Oh… I was helping Clara and Danny in their move, but had to run away before they started throwing furniture at each other," Rose said keeping her eyes tightly on Donna. "I thought I might start early today if it's okay."

"Yeah sure," Donna answered and turned her head back to the pair right in front of her. "John, River, I'll see you in the evening."

So this was professor River Song, the woman John had been working with. Rose wasn't sure what she thought of the woman, but John had described her as a brilliant scientist, so she assumed she was highly intelligent. Unlike her at the moment, just staring paralyzed at John and River.

"Um… Yeah sure," John said and started walking towards the doorway, where Rose was still standing. Rose saw him taking a deep breath before making eye contact. "So how are you doing Rose?" he asked when the pair reached her.

"Well… I'm okay actually. I- I moved to my apartment after Christmas. Which was weird, I found a lot of stuff that I didn't recognise, but it's been going well. I mean why wouldn't it? I am a grown woman I can take care of myself and stuff, it's not like I need to live with someone… Not that it's wrong living with someone," Oh God why was she still speaking, Rose felt like she had lost all control over her mouth. "Let's just say it's been very silent and peaceful not having mum howling around."

John started to grin, but quickly lowered the corners of his mouth, like he was afraid to laugh with Rose. "I bet. Could you please move aside, River and I are just heading out."

It took a few seconds until Rose realized she was still blocking the doorway making it impossible for anyone to leave.

"Oh God, sorry!" she said as she practically jumped out of the way. "Hi River, I'm Rose," she introduced herself even though judging by the way River was looking at her, she knew exactly who she was. River however nodded politely before stepping outside.

And so they left the Tardis. John walked ahead keeping his head down, but Rose could see River making one last curious gaze towards her before they turned the corner.

"Well that was one of the most awkward conversations I've ever witnessed," Donna said behind the counter. "You just kept staring at them with your mouth open. I wish I had realised to take a picture! And all that talk about being a grown woman!"

Rose rubbed her face hoping she could also rub off the most awkward encounter ever. Her eyes hit the mirror next to the bookshelf and right then she wished she could just go underground, she was red as a tomato and had probably been even more blushed a minute ago.

"I agree," she said as she headed to the kitchen behind the counter to have a glass of water. The only upside to the episode was that at that time of the day there were no customers witnessing her embarrassment.

For a second Rose thought about not asking the question she really wanted to ask. But as Donna followed her to the kitchen area, she saw in her eyes that she was waiting for Rose to ask the obvious.

"So they're together? John and River?"

"Well, yes. I mean it's in an early phase, but I think they are going to the right direction. She's nice, a bit too bossy for my taste, but nice," Donna said while turning on the dish washer. As she turned around towards Rose she frowned. "Wait, is it weird that I'm telling you this? I know it's been months since you guys broke up but still… Yep, it's weird. I'm sorry Rose."

"No, it's not weird, I mean I was the one who left him," Rose said. "Okay, it is a little weird. But mostly I was just thinking about how you don't really have room to call anyone bossy."

"Oi!" Donna yelped and threw the rag she was holding towards Rose. She ducked and laughed while putting her hair into a ponytail.

But of course Donna had been right. Seeing John with River made Rose feel weird. It wasn't jealousy she was feeling -God knew she had no right to feel that- but somehow something inside her felt a little emptier and more vulnerable than before.

-:-:-:-:-

That day would have ended a lot differently if Rose hadn't decided to clean up her wardrobe.

The first few times Rose had come to her flat, the scenario had reminded her of those problems you could see in children's magazines. "How many differences can you spot?" had been the primary feeling when she had stepped in. Mostly the place looked the same. It was still a kinda small flat with the same old furniture, except where last had been an ancient armchair was now a small two place sofa. Where she remembered she had had a picture of a baby Tony, was now a picture of herself holding her brother on her shoulders. There were some books on the self she had not seen before (mostly dealing with social work) and photographs she didn't recognize (the ones with John in them she took down right away).

But now, after a few months of living in her old flat, it became rarer and rarer for her to find any unknown objects. So, as she was going through her wardrobe, she was surprised to find a piece of clothing she had no memory of buying, or even seeing before. She had been raiding her closet for an hour, trying to decide what to donate and what to keep. It was something she had been planning to do for a few weeks.

It is funny, when you have an amnesia, it's not only the insides of your head which changes, it is also reflected on the outside. Before the accident Rose had been wearing a lot of jean jackets and printed t-shirts, but as she woke up she found out that her style had changed a lot during the missing three years. She couldn't find even one printed t-shirt in her closet, instead there were several basic tops, straight pants and a few leather jackets (one of them had even been blue, what's up with that?). After getting home, she had started to mix her old taste to her new clothes and she quite liked the outcome. This style was tasteful and more grown-up than before, but she still had some edge in her clothes.

But this pink 50s styled skirt she had found was not something she would've worn before the accident and she most definitely had not seen anything like it in her closets after going through them. She was actually pretty sure she didn't own a single skirt, except for special events like weddings and stuff.

As she put on the skirt she wondered why she would have ever bought it. It was cute, but not her style at all. But as she looked herself in the mirror her eyes blurred.

 _"_ _You wear that suit practically every day, you cannot come to a costume party wearing it!"_

 _"_ _What, why not?"_

 _"_ _Because it's a 1950s theme party! A brown pin-striped suit hardly qualifies when it's something you wear all the time."_

 _"_ _Oh please, this is practically the same thing they used to wear. AND I did my hair in the style. Can you see it?"_

A simple memory but a memory all the same. Rose shook her head. That was all. A simple conversation that didn't mean that all of it would…

 _"_ _You're hired," Donna said at the end of an interview… "Rose there's too much obstacles between us, it won't work," Christopher said, and Rose had to hold back her tears… "Mum! Dad! I got in! I am officially a student of social studies!" Rose yelled before stepping inside the house... "Tony would you like to hear about Harry Potter?" she asked and Tony -always the curious one- nodded… "_

Rose found herself sitting on the floor. All of her memories were rushing back to her, all at the same time. It was chaotic. She remembered how depressed she had been after Christopher then she remembered her first days at the uni and then her mind jumped back to her taking pictures of Tony walking his first steps. It was all a big bundle of messiness. Overwhelmed Rose shook her head in panic, until one memory cleared everything in her head like the sun shining through the fog.

 _She was almost asleep, when she felt arms wrapping around her. She turned drowsily, and her head was resting on his bare chest, which was the most comfortable pillow in the world. She could feel his chest vibrating while he chuckled and kissed the top of her head. She knew it was early, they had only known each other for a few months, but this right here felt like home. Plus, she had already told him she loved him after the very first time they'd slept together, and she had truly meant it. It couldn't be too quick when it felt so right._

 _"_ _How long are you gonna stay with me?" he asked quietly, his mouth still hovering on the top of her head._

 _And even though she was half-asleep she knew without a doubt what to answer._

 _"_ _Forever."_

Rose opened her eyes. She remembered everything. Absolutely everything. Then in her mind she saw John's face when she had broken up with him before Christmas. And she remembered seeing him with River earlier.

"Oh no. God, no. Please no."


	13. It doesn't matter

**Chapter 13: It doesn't matter**

Donna knew she was not the most intelligent person in the world. In fact, most of the days she wasn't even the most intelligent person in the room. She was not highly educated like John or River, she wasn't clever and witty like Clara and she most definitely didn't have any of her gramps' wisdom. But Donna new she had good instincts and she could often see things others could not. And right now, her instincts told her that there was something off with Rose.

Donna didn't quite know how to describe the change in her friend, but suddenly she seemed more put together and confident about herself. Donna had first seen the change in the Tardis. Rose had been great worker straight away after the accident, but now she was off the charts. She managed to do five things at the same time and had some great development ideas for the café. Donna couldn't quite put her finger on it, but suddenly it seemed like Rose had several years of experience in the trait, even though she most definitely shouldn't have.

And then there were the quiet conversations Donna had overheard. Okay, eavesdropped.

First there was the phone call around three weeks ago.

Donna had just been about to step into the kitchen of the Tardis through the backdoor, when she had heard Rose speaking. At first Donna had thought she was having a conversation with Clara, but after listening for a moment (yes, she knew it was rude, but she couldn't stop herself) Donna had realised Rose was on the phone with her doctor Martha.

"Martha it's okay, I'll come to the check up right away tomorrow morning…. Yes, yes, I know I should have told you earlier but I'm sure my head is okay… I'm sorry Martha, the week just flew by, I had to do some serious thinking about everything… Yeah, sure, I'll see you tomorrow…"

Donna didn't want to admit to eavesdropping, so instead she had walked in as Rose was hanging up and innocently asked who Rose had been talking to. And she had straight up lied to Donna's face saying it was just Jack and then quickly slipping out of the kitchen into the café area. Donna was getting worried, Rose would not lie to her if it wasn't serious! Had there been some development in Rose's head injury? Donna had no idea if that kind of injuries could take a turn for worse after so many months, but hearing that phone call did not ease her mind.

Then about a week ago she had been in the kitchen while Clara and Rose had been talking in the café side. Donna had sneaked a bit closer, squeezing herself between the refrigerator and the kitchen wall so she could not be seen, but she could hear practically anything from the café side. Yes, yes eavesdropping was still wrong, but Donna was getting seriously worried about Rose.

"You are mental! You have to tell her!" Clara said in a quiet but yet ordering voice.

"I can't! She will not keep quiet about this. And it's not like I'm required to show my medical history to my boss!" Rose hissed back.

"Rose, she is not just your boss, she is your friend!"

At this point Donna had turned away in anger. There was clearly something wrong, why wouldn't Rose trust her?! For a moment donna thought about talking to John, but quickly decided against it considering his and Rose's history. No, she decided to be patient with Rose, she would tell her everything when she was ready.

However, patience had never been Donna's strong suit. And when, after the closing time, she heard Rose making another suspicious phone call to Martha talking about some pictures of her head they had taken, Donna decided to intervene. She was done pretending ignorant, hoping Rose would come to talk to her on her own, so she did the only thing reasonable. She jumped behind the corner as Rose was putting the phone down, making Rose squeak like a piglet.

"Jesus Christ Donna! You almost gave me a heart attack!"

"Well, at least your doctor is on your speed dial, she takes care of your head injuries, so I guess she can throw in one heart attack as well!"

Rose looked genuinely confused as she sat down by one of the tables. "Excuse me?"

"Rose, don't play dumb with me. I know there is something wrong with your health, some developments with your head injury…"

"Donna, I'm not-" Rose tried to interrupt but Donna went on going.

"…and frankly I am offended that you won't trust me enough to tell me the truth…"

"Oh, come on Donna that's not even-"

"…I mean I thought we had reached the milestone in our friendship where you would trust me but no!"

"Donna please! If I tell you, do you promise not to tell it to anyone? And I mean anyone, not your family or your friends or the mail man or just anyone?"

"Please, I can keep a secret," Donna puffed as she looked down on Rose. Donna had not been able to sit down next to her, she could feel the adrenaline in her body demanding her to pace the room. Some people got their adrenaline in dangerous life-threatening situations, Donna apparently felt them when she was confronting her friends, who had not been straight with her. She was glad her rumbling had the desired outcome. Now when Rose would finally open up, Donna could help her in any way she needed, go to the doctor's appointments with her or just help her around the house. Whatever she needed, Donna would be ready, there was nothing Rose could ask or say that she wasn't prepared for.

"Okay… Four weeks ago, I got my memory back. All of it. I remember everything."

…Except that.

Donna must have stood there frozen in front of Rose for a good while, because out of nowhere Rose's hand was waving in front of her eyes.

"Donna… Are you okay?"

Donna cleared her throat, but her voice still sounded weirdly hoarse. "Okay? Am _I_ okay? Are you okay? I mean that is amazing news! I am so happy for you!"

Rose smiled her familiar tongue-touched smile and leaned back on her chair. "Thanks. Life has been kinda crazy for the last month, but it's all very exciting. Crazy but exciting."

"But why all the secrecy? I would've thought you would jump out of joy declaring the news to everyone! I don't understand why you felt like you couldn't trust me," But then Donna saw Rose's eyes turn so sad and apologetic, though she quickly bowed her head to hide her face, and Donna knew right away why she hadn't told her earlier. "It's John isn't it? Oh Rose… I'm so sorry."

Donna could hear Rose's voice trembling. "I can't believe I did it to him, I was so cruel! I just played with him and Christopher and then, when I finally broke it off… Oh God, I… I called him a dog who just keeps following me, you should have seen his face when I told him I didn't love him at all and wanted to break up. I can't get it out of my head!"

"Rose, sweetie, you weren't yourself back then, nobody is holding your actions against you. How could you have kept pretending when you felt like you didn't love him?" Rose's head was still bowed down to her lap, like her hands resting there were the most interesting thing in the world. However, Donna could see silent tears on her cheeks and a realisation hit her. "But you do now, don't you? Love him again, I mean?"

Rose sniffed. "I don't think it matters anymore. I refuse to hurt him more."

Donna wanted to shake Rose up, maybe give her a slap on the head, as she so often did to John, anything to force some sense into her.

"Well, let me tell you that of course it matters! How could you say it doesn't? Because of River? Because let me tell you, she is great but nothing compared to-"

"Please Donna! I know she is making him happy, I saw them together just a week ago when I had a check-up at the hospital, I am not blind, I can see when two people are falling in love! They seemed so happy and… I can't tell him, I just can't, it would only confuse him and cause him more pain! River… River is good for him. Or can you deny it?"

At that moment Donna wanted nothing more than to lie to her friend. She wanted to tell Rose that John was still miserable without her and that his relationship with River was nothing but a bandage. Alas, she couldn't say those things. Donna knew John cared for River, maybe not as deeply as he once had for Rose, but Donna sensed that in time it could go that way. They had a lot in common, both being well educated and science driven people, enjoying reading and discussing new studies involving new theories about this and concepts about that and other stuff neither Donna nor Rose knew anything about. River was also level-headed and down-to-earth, bringing some welcome balance to John's impulsiveness, but she also had a fire of passion inside her to intrigue him.

"Oh, Rose. I wish I could tell you just that, but you are right, she is good for him. They are having great time together."

Rose sniffed again as Donna kneeled to hug her. Her position was awkward since Rose was sitting on a chair and she was half-squatting and half-bowing, but it didn't really matter. As she was hugging Rose, she already saw several flaws in Rose's plans to not let John know she had regained her memories. Even though John had kept checking Rose's shifts from Donna, so he wouldn't have to see her when he visited the Tardis, Donna couldn't see how Rose and John could keep avoiding each other forever. Rose was still Donna's friend and John was more than a cousin, and they all had many common friends, it was more than likely that they would run up to each other. There was no way John wouldn't eventually find out. One way or another.

-:-:-:-:-

Rose had told a few people about her memories returning, her family of course and most of her friends including Martha and Clara. She had even sent e-mails to her professors inquiring if she could continue studying next semester. She had received several reactions to her news; her mum had started screaming in a pitch Rose had never thought a human could produce, her dad had started crying, Martha had been a bit pissed she hadn't told her right away and Clara had just hugged her.

But after the first shock every single one of them (well not the professors obviously, that would've been weird) had asked her the same question: When was she going to tell John?

Donna had been the first one to understand. She couldn't tell him. And at the same time that was the only thing she wanted to do. Because of course she loved him. She loved him, and she missed him so much it was hard to breathe sometimes. When she had seen John and River at the hospital, when River had been waiting for John after his shift, Rose had wanted nothing more than to pull John away from River's embrace and explain everything how she remembered their time together and how she loved him and wanted to be with him. Then she would kiss him, and he would forgive her and everything would be alright again.

Of course, Rose did no such thing. Instead she hid behind a huge ornamental plant watching John kissing River, and feeling like her throat was full of glass. She did not move from behind the plant until the couple had left the lobby, because after getting her memory back and after sitting an hour on the floor in front of her closet, she had made a decision. She would never, _ever_ , hurt John again. And telling him she remembered everything while he was so happy with River, would definitely cause suffering. Rose refused to put him in that situation. She had had a taste of that while being in that awful triangle with John and Christopher. She would not make John choose between River and herself, so instead she would give John up.

Speaking about Christopher, he had been the first person Rose had told about her situation. She still felt sick about how she had dragged him into her life again, even though he had been over her. So, the same evening she regained her memories, she wrote a long text message about how she remembered everything and how she was so sorry about all the pain she had caused him during the last months and wished him all the best.

Rose would have called him, but she wasn't sure if Christopher wanted to talk to her. Sending a text message gave him an option to remove it without even reading it if that was what he chose to do. Rose would have completely understood if he had done exactly that, but instead he wrote back shortly, telling her he didn't carry any hard feelings towards her and that at least now he was sure he was one-hundred percent over her.

At least that had been easier than Rose had imagined. Because God knew nothing else was.


	14. Just life

Chapter 14: Just life

Sometimes Sarah Jane Smith wondered what motivated her to come to work every day. When she had started as a student counsellor, she had not anticipated that her days would be filled with her trying to motivate students who clearly did not want to study and had come to the uni mainly to have fun and explore life outside the protective wings of their parents.

But every now and again there would be someone who really was motivated to do the work required. Who actually wanted to educate themselves and get a degree, but needed advice. And those were the days Sarah JAne actually loved her job, helping people to accomplish their goals in life was truly fulfilling. And luckily for her, one of those people was sitting in front of her right now.

Reading the background info of miss Tyler had been like reading a script to a b class movie. Amnesia taking away the last three years of your life? That didn't sound like real life. Then getting your memory back and just continuing your life like it had just been on pause? At first Mary had been sure someone working in the faculty had pulled a fast one on her and given her a false file. But after confronting her co-workers she was assured that this truly was a real case. Reading up on Rose Tyler had most certainly been interesting if nothing else. Getting hit by a car and losing the last three years and then getting it back when it seemed impossible, it all sounded so very much like a…

"… Soap opera, yeah I've heard that a few times," Rose Tyler blurted before Mary got the chance to finish her analysis. "Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt, it's just that this thing has been the only thing determining my life for the last months. I need to get it behind me and move on."

"And that is why you are here."

"That is why I am here."

"Then, let's get into it."

-:-:-:-:-

"Well?" Jackie asked from the kitchen before Rose had been able to completely step inside her parents' house.

"Just 'well'?" Rose teased. "No 'Nice to see you sweetheart' or 'How was your week'? Really mum, that is not the way to greet your only daughter."

"Oh just tell me!" Jackie hollered as she followed Rose to the living room.

Rose made a dramatic 180 turn.

"I'm in!" she screamed way too loudly but was still second to her mum's high shrieking as she rushed to hug her daughter. Rose hugged her back just as tightly and didn't realize they weren't alone before she could hear her little brother speaking.

"Where are you in Rose?" Tony asked, and Rose turned her head to see him behind Jackie's shoulder. Tony was still in his pyjamas which was odd since it was nearly three pm.

"You see sweetie, your sister got back into the university!" Jackie told as she moved to ruffle Tony's hair.

Rose smiled. "Well technically I was never out of there. But now I got all the schedules cleared out and I'm good to continue my studies."

Tony scratched his head, pushing his mum's hand off his hair. "So, you are happy about getting back to school?"

"Well of course silly!"

"But why? My friend Louis's brother says school is awful when you're old."

"Oh you should not listen to such stuff!" Jackie said as she continued brushing some of little Tony's hair behind his ear. "You see, Rose getting back to school means she can get a degree and then after that, a nice job."

"But you guys always complain about jobs."

Rose rolled her eyes. Nothing to bring you back to the ground level as a five-year-old's logic.

"Enough about me little man. Why are you still wearing your pyjamas? I was thinking about taking you out to the park!"

"Actually," Jackie interrupted as Tony's face lit up, "this little man ought to be in bed. Oh, don't look at me like that, you have got a fever, get back to bed!"

"But I don't want to! I want to go to the park!" Tony whined, his voice getting higher and higher. Rose could sense a little tantrum making its way, so she interrupted before more whining came from his mouth.

"Sorry buddy. There's no going to the park when you have a fever," Rose said and immediately felt bad looking her little brother's sad little face. "But I promise you, the moment you're better we'll go."

"But I have been lying down all day, I don't want to anymore!" Only after Rose promised that the next trip to park would include ice cream and that she would let him take his wand (which Jackie had confiscated for the time being) with him, he agreed to go to bed. "And when we go, can John come with us? He's the only one who loves strawberry ice cream as much as I do!"

The question came out of nowhere and Rose felt her stomach drop. "Um… No honey, we talked about it, remember? John's not coming here anymore."

"But I heard you and mum talking about him on the phone last night! And mum told you to talk to him and you always have to do what mum says!"

Rose and Jackie glanced at each other awkwardly, both unsure of what to say.

Finally, Jackie coughed. "Alright mister I think that fever is getting to you, you should head up to rest! Rose will visit you again when you're better, okay?"

Tony nodded, and Rose gave him a quick hug before he loitered back to his room.

"Oh, sweetheart I'm so sorry, I had no idea he was listening to me yesterday!" Jackie huffed immediately as she heard her son's door click.

"It's fine mum, it's not like he really understands this stuff."

"Do you?" Jackie asked bluntly as they sat down in the kitchen for a quick cup of tea. Rose looked like she didn't understand the question, so Jackie repeated. "Do you understand what's going on with you and John?"

Rose sighed. This was a topic she did not wish to talk about. But her mum had been bringing up the idea of telling John every other day, so she really shouldn't have been surprised.

"Mum, there is nothing to understand. John and I are finally on the same page about our relationship; it's done, and we are both trying to move on. Why don't you understand that I'm trying to leave that whole thing behind me! I'm just trying to move on and finally I'm getting somewhere, I'm starting school again! So, can we please just let this topic go?!" Rose knew she was getting a bit too loud and aggressive, but she couldn't help herself. She knew speaking about John would only make her sad and frustrated and she didn't need that right now.

Jackie hesitated before agreeing. "Of course, sweetheart, I'm sorry for being nosy. So, tell me, what courses are you taking?" Rose appreciated the quick change of topic, but she knew her mum was not ready to drop it and would bring up John again sooner or later. Sometimes there was just no stopping her.

"I'm actually starting a few weeks from now, obviously I am not going to graduate at the time I had originally planned, but I'd still like to speed the studies up a bit. And there are several courses going through the summer which I can include in my studies so…"

"That's nice… So, you'll spend your summer studying?" Rose nodded while taking a long sip from her tea. "What about work?"

"Well I've told Donna I'm cutting back my hours. I'm not quitting but I can't do that many full-days anymore. She understood, although she wasn't exactly happy about the idea of finding another employee."

After Rose had finished her tea and quickly stopped by her father's study to say goodbye, as she was putting on her coat, she could see in her mum's eyes that there was still something she wanted to say. Rose rolled her eyes. "Alright then, out with it. What is it you are trying not to say?"

Jackie looked visibly relieved after getting the permission to speak her mind. "It's just the fact that you and John are not on the same page. Hell, I don't think you guys are even in the same book! I know you keep saying that you don't want to confuse him and he's happy with that Lake…"

"River," Rose corrected. Jackie looked confused. "Her name is River mum, not Lake."

"A daft name nonetheless. Still, he needs to know, he would want to know and it's his right to know! And you should respect him enough to do the decent thing and tell him. He deserves to know you'd want to be with him."

"I don't know what you want me to say. I'm not doing it, it would only hurt him, and I can't do that to him again. And for the record, I'm not even 100 percent sure I'd want to be with him anymore." Rose said with a confidence which sounded so fake that it made Jackie raise her eyebrows and Rose sighed. "Yeah, okay you're right, that's not even remotely true. But what I mean is that if he ever found out, we would have to have a long and complicated conversation about why I did what I did and why he did the things he did and-"

"What are you talking about 'the things he did'! He was loving and caring, trying to make you remember and understand…"

"Exactly! Trying to make me! I didn't need somebody to 'make me'! I know I was not myself and I needed people to explain things to me, and he did and he was sweet and loving and I feel awful, but… but he was such a steamroll I couldn't breathe! I have never felt more anxious and trapped in my life. He should've just given me some space to find myself again without the pressure of our earlier relationship and maybe then… I don't know. I just hate that we're not together and I know I did the breaking up but still a part of me is blaming him a little bit I guess. "

These were thoughts which Rose had come to acknowledge a few weeks back, but she hadn't dared to say them out loud before. She knew they came from frustration and bitterness; it was easier to put blame somewhere else than just be sad and regret her own actions. But still, knowing where the thoughts and feelings came from didn't make them any less untrue.

"So, you're thinking he's responsible for the way things ended?"

"No! Well maybe partially… It's just… he is a doctor, he should've realised that I needed a little distance and some me-time! I had a brain damage for crying out loud!" Rose looked desperately into her mum's confused face. "I don't know… It's all twisted in my head. At times I feel so responsible it hurts, and other times I'm blaming John for being unnecessarily clingy and making me feel so uncomfortable."

"Honey have you thought it from his perspective?"

Rose frowned. "What do you mean?"

"Just put yourself in his shoes. What if he had been the one with the amnesia and without any memories of your relationship? If you were the only one to remember what you had had, how much you had loved each other, and then you'd be forced to watch him reconcile with one of his exes?"

Rose could almost hear her brain working as she was processing this point of view her mum had offered. Now she felt a bit selfish, she hadn't really thought any of her feelings and actions from John's perspective. She started to feel a bit sick, but wore a blank expression when Jackie continued carefully.

"And then you'd have to witness how he would pull further and further away from you. You said he shouldn't have pushed you so hard, but if the situation had been reversed, if you had to be the one watching the love of your life not even recognizing you, could you have 'given him space' as you said?"

Rose didn't know what to say. Her mum had never been book smart, but she had so much more insight when it came to dealing with other people's emotions that Rose couldn't help but to feel like a little child who was being taught a lesson. And it was an important lesson. It had given her some weird solace thinking that John had acted wrongly. Yes, she still loved him so much and felt horrible about hurting him (how could she not?) but she had had to put some of the blame somewhere to cope with their situation. And it was easier to silently blame John than to admit he had had no choice.

"I don't know," Rose finally answered her mum's question. "I just don't know. This is not a situation I planned John and I to end up with."

Jackie smiled sadly and put her hand on Rose's shoulder. "I'm sorry sweetheart but I need to tell you the harsh truth. Life doesn't follow plans. It's just life."


	15. Pears

I have no idea why the format is going crazy, in my preview it looked fine at first but now as I checked this and the last chapter they looked completely crazy! So sorry for the inconvenience, now this chapter and chapter 14 should be fixed, hopefully they'll stay that way X). And thank you brave ones who actually managed to read the first versions, you are soldiers and I'm so grateful and honored!

Chapter 15: Pears

John was feeling rather good. It was the early days of May which meant summer was already behind the corner, he had performed a difficult but successful surgery earlier on the day and he had a date with River later that evening. He had called Donna earlier and asked her to prepare something for them and now there were two extra great fruit salads waiting in the Tardis's refrigerator for John to grab them on his way to River's flat.

Him and River were in a good place. They had started dating in February, around three months after Rose had… had… well, John didn't really want to think about that. But he did enjoy spending time with River, they had a lot in common and he really liked her. He had actually been thinking about introducing her to his gramps. So far they had taken things kinda slow and that was fine with John, he had never been the type to openly declare his feelings too quickly. Which was one reason why he had tried so hard to… well that was again the thing John did not want to think about.

Unfortunately, he was forced to think about those things when he stepped into the Tardis. Speak of an angel….

John's mood dropped the moment he saw who was standing behind the counter. And based on the look on her face, Rose was just as surprised as he was. John had never seen a person look more like a deer in the headlights as Rose did at the moment.

"What are you doing here?" John blurted in a high-pitched voice.

"Well… I work here," Rose cocked an eyebrow, but John could notice that she was not looking him directly in the eyes, but rather just over his shoulder. He was happy he wasn't the only one who found the situation highly uncomfortable.

John pulled his ear. "I know that. But I checked… I mean I heard that Clara was doing the evening shift," yes, he still checked Rose's shifts from Donna, so he could avoid running into her like this. And yes, he knew it was petty and immature, but he didn't want to end up… well right here.

Rose pulled some of her loose hair behind her ear. "Um, yeah but Clara had a last-minute emergency, so she asked me to do her evening and she would do my morning tomorrow. And that's fine by me, I'm not complaining about a free Saturday."

John stood there trying desperately to find something light to talk about. This was not normally a problem with him, but when your girlfriend loses her memory of your relationship and then breaks up with you and then you avoid her for months before running into her, it is hard to come up with discussion topics. Finally, as he sat down near the counter, he saw the book on top of it.

"Oh, are you thinking about going back to school?" he asked nodding toward the social work book. "I thought you weren't that interested."

"Um… Well, yeah I… I thought about giving it a go. I'm taking a few courses over the summer."

John knew he was anxious about this situation, but Rose looked like a nervous wreck. She still avoided eye-contact and played with her hair way more than normally. It was the first time they met just the two of them after what had happened and even though it was already five months passed, it was so much harder than John would've thought. John hated himself a little bit when he realized that he still really really wanted Rose to look at him. The whole situation just sucked.

"Anyhow, did you want to order anything?"

John snapped out of his thoughts. Right, he actually had a reason to be here.

"Oh, yes, yes I did. Well, no actually no. Donna has already made me two special fruit salads, they are in the refrigerator."

"Right I was wondering who those were for, Clara forgot to say. Just a second, let me get them. Do you want me to remove the pears from yours?" Rose asked as she started to move towards the back.

"No, it's fine, Donna has probably already…" John's mouth was left open as he made a small deduction which, if turned out to be true, would turn his current life upside down. Again.

"Wait a minute! Rose… Why would you take away the pears?" John could see Rose froze for a second before she continued towards the kitchen. "I never told you I can't stand pears," he added.

John could almost hear Rose's brain working. "Well, you once told me that you didn't like them… Must've been right after I woke up." But he could hear her voice was way too high to be true. Very much like her mother sounded every time she would ask John about medical advice for a friend.

"No, I'm pretty sure I never told you I hate pears."

He didn't know when he had risen from the chair. He only knew he had to see Rose's face to be sure of his suspicions. But Rose seemed to try to escape from him, desperately trying to keep the counter between them.

"Then it must've been Donna who told me. I… really should start cleaning up the back, just… just let me get you the salads and you can be on your way."

But John was already behind the counter grabbing her arm. He knew he was being too forceful turning Rose to face him but right now he didn't care. He needed to see her face. He needed to know. He had both of his hands on Rose's tense shoulders and he tried to make eye contact but Rose's eyes were fixed on his shoes.

"Rose," he asked very slowly, levelling himself down, almost like talking to a disoriented patient, "do you remember being with me?"

Finally Rose looked directly into John's eyes and he could see something flashing behind her eyes. But then he felt her shoulders relaxing under his hands and the smallest whisper escaped her lips.

"Yes."

John let out a small cry, as his hands went up and down Rose, cradling her face as she closed her eyes, then he ran his fingers through her hair and then again held her shoulders and then ran his hands down and took her hands in his and kissed Rose's palms. He couldn't stop touching her, he feared that if he did, she would disappear again. It was her and she was here. Here right in front of him. And she did not flinch when he touched her, quite the opposite, she seemed to lean into his touch.

For one blissful moment there was nothing else in the world than him and Rose. Unfortunately John's brain caught up with him and he dropped her hands, "Please tell me you just found out." he said his voice shaking.

John saw Rose take in the deepest breath "I… I remembered everything about two months ago."

"What?! No, no, no…" John started to pace the small room behind the counter. His mood was quickly changing from ecstatic to angry. "What the hell Rose! Two months! Were you ever going to tell me?"

"I kinda thought I might get away with it," he could hear Rose whisper.

"Get away… Rose this is not like a broken cash register that you try to hide because you're embarrassed!

"I know that!" Rose sai loudly, perhaps trying to hide the shaking of her voice, but it did not go pass John. And though he was angrier than he had been in a long time, seeing her upset still got under his skin. "I just… I figured it would be easier if you didn't know."

"Easier for me or for you?"

Rose was about to answer but both of their heads snapped towards the door where the small bell above it had rung. A customer had appeared, blissfully ignorant about the quarrel that was going on behind the counter. John was angry but not angry enough to continue the conversation in front of a stranger. Rose was already smiling to the older man who had stepped in. John had to admire Rose's ability to get herself together in front of a customer even though John knew she had to have a storm of emotions going through her head. How could she not? John knew he for sure did.

"Hi, how may I help you?"

-:-:-:-

As she was giving the customer his change Rose really wished he would stay for a little longer. She just needed some time to think about a way to explain to John why she had decided not to tell him about her memory returning. Rose had thought she could do this. Seeing John step in gave her a mini heart attack but she knew she could pretend her insides weren't doing cartwheels.

And she had been so close, he hadn't noticed anything suspicious beyond an uncomfortable encounter of exes. John hadn't realized that Rose 's panic was a mixture of sadness, regret and -even though she would like to deny it- love. But those damn pears. She hadn't realized her mistake until it was too late.

Oh, and those feelings she had discussed with her mum? Feelings Rose had had about blaming John? Yeah, those vanished around the second he had kissed her hands. In fairness, those feelings were always more about protecting herself than blaming John. It was easier to be angry at someone than just to accept the sucky situation.

As the customer left, John turned to Rose. The little breather seemed to have calmed him a bit, but Rose knew he was still mad.

"How did you get this passed Donna anyhow?" Rose knew her guilty face gave her away since John's eyes, flaming with anger, popped even wider than they had been earlier. "So Donna knows too?! That's just brilliant… I can't believe she didn't tell me!"

"Don't be angry at her, she didn't even know the whole time and then after I told her I made her promise not to tell you."

"Well that makes me feel so much better," John said with a level of sarcasm that couldn't go unnoticed.

"I know you're upset!" Rose sighed as she went on turning the "open" sign backwords on the door. Surely Donna would understand why Rose decided to close the shop 45 minutes earlier considering the way the evening had turned out.

"Yes I'm upset! How the hell did you think it was okay not to tell me!" John said with a high voice which drilled into Rose's bones.

"What do you want me to say? Apologize?" Rose could feel all her emotions – sadness, frustration, regret, you name it- rising to surface. "I am sorry for this situation, I am sorry that we ended up here and I'm sorry for leaving you but I'm not sorry for trying to save you from more pain! Don't you dare hold it against me!"

Suddenly Rose felt so very tired. she slowly sat down by one of the table and buried her face on her hands. John didn't say anything, but Rose could hear the chair next to her moving as he sat on it. And so she continued.

"How could I have told you? After hurting you so bad before Christmas? I made it clear that I would never want to be with you and… and… God! The image in my head is killing me! I remember exactly how you looked when I broke your heart and stepped on it!" Rose didn't like the shakiness of her voice but she couldn't help it. "You had just started to be happy with River, I had no right telling you. I had no right to give you any doubts."

"No Rose, you had no right to keep this from me," John said. To Rose's surprise his voice, though still a bit higher than usual, was softer now, though she couldn't bear to look at him yet, not while she felt like a total mess inside. Rose could hear John sigh. "It wasn't right, but I kinda understand why you did it."

John reached for Rose and grabbed her hand which she was still leaning into. Rose took a deep breath. It was crazy, she had never really believed in 'the magic of love' or whatever it was in Disney movies, but John's touch had always soothed her and even in this situation, where they were both upset and feeling all sorts of unfeelable things, his hand holding hers was enough to calm her and she finally looked into his eyes which were no longer flaming with anger.

"I get it Rose, you didn't want to hurt me, but you should have told me. I needed to know. How were you anyway going to keep that inside of you for forever? I mean sure, I've been avoiding your shifts -yes, I know it's petty," he added waving his hand when Rose raised her eyebrow and it almost made her smile. "but eventually we would have run into each other. Your Donna's employee but moreover her friend. Do you really think you could have kept it all to yourself even when you would see me moving on with River or someone else for that matter? I don't think you could've kept up pretending not to remember anything from the past three years even if you hadn't messed up with the salads today. And you shouldn't have to! It would be truly painful and exhausting if you had to keep all that bottled up for forever."

"I would have kept on pretending amnesia for as long as I was in your life, no questions asked." Rose said with such conviction that she could see John frown and he almost opened his mouth to argue, but Rose beat him to it. "Because isn't that what love is all about? That someone else's happiness means more to you than your own? Rather being hurt yourself than causing them pain?"

For a while John didn't say anything. He was still holding Rose's hand, but Rose really felt like he had just forgotten that he was still doing it. Then an unusually quiet whisper came out of John's mouth. "So… You love me again?"

Rose sighed before answering. "I don't think I ever stopped. I just… forgot for a while."

It was John's turn to bury his face in his hands. Rose could hear him taking in some deep breaths.

"What am I supposed to do now?" he finally mumbled into his palms.

Rose didn't know if he was just talking to himself or asking her, but she decided to give him her answer all the same.

"I don't know."


End file.
